Category: loss (Page 3 of 3)

Baked

My love languages are words of affirmation and baking. When my people are hurting, I turn on the oven. For sickness and ailments, it’s soup. Usually chicken & noodle or chicken & rice because I keep those ingredients on hand. Also, there’s a firm belief in Upper Sandusky that my MIL’s chicken noodle soup has magical healing properties because it’s the most delicious stuff ever. Because she is one of my most favorite people and I try to be more like her (because she’s a lot like Jesus), I’m trying to master her soup. Shhhhh. Don’t tell her.

When it’s a new baby, I go for Creamy Chicken Lasagna. It’s heaven in a casserole tin. It involves cream cheese. New mamas, no matter how many times around, need the richness and comfort of such a dinner, I simply believe it to be so. Also, my friend Kristen has cornered the market by perfecting White Wine Chicken, which is reason enough to have a baby. I kept having them while we lived in Findlay, but she didn’t deliver after Mr. M arrived, so we decided to call it quits on the baby making.

However, I lacked something in my arsenal for grief. I’ve not fixed many meals for those in the process of mourning. The fact that I haven’t needed to develop this piece of my baking love is probably a blessing, but I’m reaching an age where my peers are dealing with the loss of parents and other loved ones.

So this week when I heard that a death was eminent, and with my newly acquired ayurvedic framework available, I asked myself, “what opposes the bitterness of death?” What can I possibly make that will ease such a sting? I know, the short answer is – I can’t. So I went with the next best thing. Sugared carbs. And breakfast. Everyone wants to provide dinner, but we wake up just as hungry, right?

The cinnamon rolls weren’t an accidental decision. In my mind the entire day I was willing the family through my prayers, “though the sorrow may last for the night, the joy comes in the morning.” How I hoped for them to know and somehow live this truth. I thought, Is there a better way to meet the new day, one filled with hope for something better than what you just endured, than a sweet roll? IMG_2107

I turned to my Cinnamon Rolls, a recipe that has been in my family – my mother and grandmother, as well as my church family – for years. I grew up making Tea Rings every Christmas, cinnamon rolls left uncut but shaped into a wreath, typically decorated with pecans and maraschino cherries.  However, I don’t think death is the time of tidings of merriment, so I sliced these babies thick in the pan by the dozen.

I finished with a cream cheese icing, thanks to my belief that cream cheese makes everything better – even when you’re dairy free. And butter. This was the first cream cheese icing recipe that didn’t make me feel like I was growing an instant cavity, so it was a win. Apparently there’s a mythical Maple Icing recipe that goes along with my Tea Ring, but it was not listed in the Wingfield Family Cookbook, so we’ll have to hunt for that later.

The day was a gift for me as much as I hope it was to the family. The long and cumbersome practice of waiting on the dough to rise (twice) and the rolling out and then rolling up provided me time to sit in these feelings in some way. I imagined baking my prayers into the rolls, as if layering my requests for God to grand comfort right in between the layers of butter, cinnamon and sugar. I rolled them up tightly and sent them away. It was the best I could offer.

So, here you go. May you also greet a season or a day with something sweet, filled with love. Or, even more so, may you bake it into your offerings for those around you.

 

Tea Ring Cinnamon Roll Recipe
(As made by the women of the Ridgeway United Methodist Church)
(This is a double batch. When I used to bake, this made 2 tea rings. I halved this yesterday and still got enough for at least 2 good sized tea rings. It is apparently dependent on how good you are with a rolling pin, and it seems my skills have progressed.)
(This dough also makes a spectacular sweet yeast roll. After the second rise, just make into small balls instead of the rolling process. Let rise and bake and get a classic dinner roll.)
(Boy, I love the parenthetical comments.)

In a glass measuring cup, dissolve 2 packages yeast into 1/4 cup hot (not boiling) water with 1 tsp. sugar. Let rise.

In your mixing bowl:
1/2 cup shortening (I think normal, healthy butter works just fine)
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp. salt
Pour 2 cups boiling water over this mix and let stand until cool.

Beat in 2 eggs.

Stir in yeast mixture.

Add 4 cups flour and mix.

If using a kitchen aid mixer (and you should be), add 3-3 1/2 cups flour gradually with the dough hook. For old schoolers, knead in the flour. Here’s where it gets tricky – you have enough flour when it’s s not too sticky to handle. It should largely remain on the hook when you pull it out of the bowl. My grandma Cella would say it’s ready when “it just feels right.” Sorry about that description. It’s the best I can do. Here’s what the professionals say about this.

Put into a large, greased glass bowl and let rise until doubled. I let mine rise in my microwave (DON’T TURN IT ON!) because it keeps the warmth in and I don’t really use it for anything else. It took approximately 2 hours.

Punch down dough and divide into sections. Roll out a section into a thin rectangle on a floured surface – I give it a few kneads first with the flour. Melt approximately 1/4-1/2 cups butter and spread over the surface. Mix approximately 3/4 cups sugar with a tbsp. or so of cinnamon (these things are all about preference) and sprinkle evenly over the butter. Gently begin to roll up the long edge, jelly-roll style.

Cut into 1-2 inch cinnamon rolls and gently place into a greased pan with each roll on its side so that you can see the swirls. Give plenty of room in the pan, these will double in a second rise.

Cover and let rise, about 2 hours.

Bake at 350 for 12 minutes or until golden brown.

Save one for your husband, but give away the extras to your neighbors, otherwise they’re dangerous to have laying around your house.

 

When there’s not a title for her

You have your family. And you have your friends. Sometimes, those friends become such a part of your life, they become family. 

Jeanne was a permanent fixture before I even arrived in this world. Her and Don were BFF with 2 of my uncles & aunts before deciding to make my parents the target of their affections. We’ve spent nearly as many vacations with them as without them and their presence fills my childhood memories. 
I’m guessing this is 1998. Raise your hands, people who know me, if you first thought I was my sister. 
I find it unfair that when I tell people of my sadness, I’m stuck with words like “friend of the family” or “my parents’ best friend.” I’ve found often in this world adults lack relationships with the depth and consistency I experienced from the circle of my parents’ friends. Now that I am an adult and have experienced friendship outside a school yard and dorm room, I can say what Jeanne (and Don, and the rest of “the friends”) was to us cannot be equated to the occasional dinners or chatting with someone at the end of the school day or church service that others title “friends”. 
When I didn’t know where my parents were (way back before cell phones) I would call their house. If we needed a cup of sugar (or, more accurately, a cup of tequila), we could stop by uninvited. We rode bikes to their house, spent countless 4th of July’s in their backyard and scorching summer days in their pond. I’m nearly positive they didn’t miss a single basketball game of my high school career and Erica had graduated after my freshman season. 
If I had to draw a picture with my memories it would be set on Lake Cumberland. Actually, it’s this one. 
We spent our days boating around, taking turns on the skis (and by “we” I mean “they” because I kept content with a book in the front of the boat). On the hot days we would jump in to cool off between skiers and on the chilly mornings we would bundle in sweats and towels and still go out because it was smooth as glass. I once went to Cumberland with the Young family without my own family. Because, why not? 
The year that the kids bought Don a blender for the boat made it even more exciting. We drank margaritas and went to the dock. Don bought a ski jacket for my sister (and then charged it to my dad), so Jeanne felt justified taking an ice cream sandwich. On the way home we got the air guitar show as presented. It was a good day, wrapped up – no doubt – by a game of Hell or “the board game.” 
These kind of memories don’t just “happen.” They grow from years and years of presence, in the dull and mundane and in the thick of stress and drama. They’re planted in memories of playing cards, eating Mexican food and waiting to hear Amy in the Morning announce that school is cancelled the next day. They’re grown in discussions of The Young & The Restless and meaningless chatter around high school basketball. 
When church people begin talking about “fellowship” and “community” (which is really just the newest word for fellowship), what they’re wanting is relationship that looks like that of my parents and their friends. They need someone to take a day of “Jeanne sitting” when Don is in the field. They seek the kind of friends who send me a birthday card every year, without fail. They’re wanting people you call up on short notice and say, “we’re going to Pizza Hut, want to join us?” just because the night is better with friends. 
I don’t feel like we’ve lost a “good friend.” I feel like a part of my childhood family, who happened to live in a different house, has left us. I mourn her presence, her smile, her dry and deadpan sense of humor. I will miss her calling me Shelly-Elly. 
Most of all, I’m grateful for the example she set before me as it pertains to friendships. I know, through her, what it looks like to present, to be faithful. 

Roots and leaves

I used to believe that a community was a place you lived. It included the grocer who sold your food, the librarian who kept you abreast the newest releases, the hardware owners who changed the sign each week as the football team took on another league challenge and the church you attended, even if at irregular intervals. It was the old guy who called your dad when you ran a stop sign, the piano teacher who drove you home after you rode your bike to town chasing after the dog, only to realize you couldn’t bike home with dog in tow. Community was the volunteer firefighter who selected the sub-par warm-up music before your basketball games and the local farmer who earned a ringside seat at those games in exchange for keeping people from walking across the end of the gym.

Community was this group of people that were placed in your path simply because you shared space. Specifically State Routes 292 and 31.
Today pushed me over the edge in redefining community. My FB feed filled with wonderful memories of a young boy and the family that loved him so. I only knew Elliot as a tangent acquaintance. He was the rowdy boy who attended many of the same USHS sporting events as I, both rooting at the cross country meet or even a jr. high girls basketball game. His disposition despite challenges made him known and loved by many of the people that I know and love.
So at first I thought it strange that I would mourn such a social acquaintance. This boy, this friend of friends, 3rd-degree-somewhat-removed, sat heavy on my heart. But upon reflection, I realize that when even a singular piece of a community is removed, the entire community hurts. It shares pain, sheds tears and more than anything wants to soothe the raw wound.
Upper Sandusky stole such a large piece of my heart, even for just the 5 years I bore the address. In so many ways my life and my spirit became intertwined with these people in ways that distance does not sever. And now, with many thanks to FB, I still feel connected from afar. I see the events in the lives of those I prayed for, with and on behalf of. I’ve heard their joy or, at this moment, I sense and share their heartache.
Community is no longer the geography in which we find ourselves; it’s the lives we allow to intersect – dare I say invade – our own. Community is not only the faces we see downtown but those that come to mind as we pray, think, read, work and live. They are the individuals who shape you and form you. They are the people who stand out in fond memories, even the seemingly insignificant ones. And in the realm of small towns, they are the cousins and in-laws and students of teachers and in-laws and friends.
So tonight I hurt with and on behalf of those loved ones afar, and I believe I join many diasporic Upper Sanduskians in doing so. Even though we don’t share space on a map, community has become, to me, those who share roots in the places where you’ve not just grown up but also grown into your life as you know it.
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