Month: February 2014 (Page 3 of 4)

Brother (and sister)’s keeper

Our society puts a lot of emphasis on “socialization.” I even take my kids to a preschool with a primary emphasis on navigating social relationships over more academic learning, so I clearly value it. It’s become a bit of a priority as H Boy continues to grow into his own person, one who has developed with a strongly introverted nature. 

He’s not quick to join new social settings or make friends quickly, especially if those friends come across loud and excited. He will hang back, observe and once he experiences what he deems as an indication of safety, he’ll join in. I try not to worry and allow him to be himself (without making it too easy for him to opt for solo activity every time), but the noise surrounding “well socialized” children gets pretty loud. 
But just watch him. He’s the most amazing big brother. His concern for his sisters, and now his baby brother, speaks louder than all my worries. He asks them to play, begs for one of them to sleep in his room for a nap, and entertains the baby more often than I wish he would. 
He’s sensitive to their feelings and watches out for them. He’s an all-around good brother. Why isn’t society applauding this kind of relational success? 

“Watch your step,” he says. 
Take a quick survey of the adults in your world – who do they spend time with? Who appears on your frequently called list? When family, specifically siblings, live nearby they tend to stick together. One of our favorite things is to spend time with my sister, her husband and children – we look forward to it and build it into our calendar on purpose. I have cousins who do the same, sharing mutual friends. Of course, there’s always the exception to the rule and often you hear the case of estranged siblings. And those stories tend to sink our hearts because deep down, we know something broke beyond a friendship gone awry. 
We have these precious early years that kids begin their sibling life, and then we send them off to school to “get socialized” only 18 years later to see that they’ve gravitated toward their sibs again. We spend time teaching kids how to “be a good friend” but what if that wasn’t the starting point? 
If we go digging in the family tree to find we’re all brothers and sisters. We come from the same place, whether you believe that’s Adam and Eve or an ape named Thor. It started somewhere and the rest of history seems to be this awful story of siblings spending more time in rivalry than seeking mutual edification. So if our basis is sibling love, it should extend out to all those with whom we share space. 
Sometimes it’s hard to love your brothers and sisters fully because you know them in their raw form. There’s no dressing them up because we find them in the kitchen with morning breath, at bedtime throwing tantrums and during playtime, stealing toys and teasing you about your name. But when we dig into the hard love, the real love, the honest love, we’re learning a skill for our lifetime (especially if you get married. Doubly so if you have children). 
It’s easy to fake a love for friends or people we see at select times and places. Siblings, however, serve as training ground for living out things like forgiveness, honesty and respect. And when it’s done well, you reap a lifetime of blessing living with family and friendship. 

When it’s not microwave-safe

My grandmothers told great stories. Grandma Mary told me once that she was ready for a first date, hair curled and dress pressed, when her dad told her she needed to come help pick tomatoes before she left. She carefully wove her way through the garden, making sure not to get too dirty, leaning around the plants and touching the fruit only with the tips of her fingers. Then her own father nailed her with a tomato and laughed and laughed and laughed. (She never believed this was a spiteful move, more of a lesson about getting ready for a 7pm date at 2:00 in the afternoon). 
Grandma ‘Cella had to milk the family cow every day, without fail. “That cow your grandpa Bud wanted so bad – we got her home and she hated him. Every time he went near, she’d try to kick him.” So on this tiny farm meant for providing for their immediate family, she had been locked into the daily milking duty. (And imagine it on this winter morning, but before the day of elaborate milking houses). 

The reality in which my grandparents grew up and raised their kids contained an element of extremely hard work. If not farmers by trade, families just a few generations ago farmed for the provision of their home. The bounty of tomatoes thrown at my grandmother became the spaghetti sauce and vegetable soup and chili of the following winter. 

***
We nicknamed my mother “Microwave Marj.” She, along with my aunt and many of the women in her social circle, had figured out how to use this fantastic black machine to get dinner on the table in less than 10. Even better, since she was working more days of the week, she could teach us children to open the can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew, put it in the tupperware plastic bowl and hit 1 – 3 – 0 to make lunch. If we were hungry by the time The Young and The Restless began, it was our own fault. 
This generation of families pioneered new trails for how women contributed to society. More women earned college degrees and the majority of the women I knew growing up worked outside jobs, positions that required them to punch a clock and spend more time away from home. In order to make it all fit, something had to give. Willing corporations provided the milk, eggs, bread and spaghetti sauce that families didn’t have time to tend to for themselves. And the more popular this notion became, the cheaper it was to live the lifestyle – the demand helped increase supply and decrease price. One could hardly raise and feed a cow for the annual cost of milk, let alone factor in the price on your time to milk it (and, if you were my grandpa Bud, the pain and suffering involved in that endeavor). 
No blame lies in this – only observation. The years of hard work this particular generation watched their parents endure probably held little luster. Why spend so many days and hours of sweat and toil when a company will do that work for you? It made sense. 
***
I just returned from a gathering where women – representative of people, really – acknowledged a spiritual hunger and couldn’t quite put words to it. I spoke with longtime believers and those relatively new to the faith. Each conversation contained an element of longing, a dissatisfaction with status quo. A quick scan of the internets will yield you story after story of discontent, disagreement and diagnoses of “what the problem is.” Just last week the headlining story in the christiansphere was Donald Miller and why he doesn’t go to church any more (and why people agree or disagree with that approach). 
The problem doesn’t seem to be lack of products. Bibles are printed in abundance (I own no less than 15 if I had to guess. But I’m a nerd.) Churches offer class after class, bible study after bible study. Trips, conferences, seminars, podcasts – we’re one of the most well-resourced generations to learn about scripture and our faith and yet we seem to be one of the most cynical and discontented. 
***
When I survey my dining room table, it tends to be more reflective of my grandmother’s as opposed to my own mother’s, which is the way of the world, really. History repeats itself and each generation rebels against the one before in their own [passive-aggressive at times] way. As opposed to tossing my ear of corn in to the micro, wrapped in plastic, we steam it on the stove. Actually the micro tends to leaven my sourdough more than warm my meals. We buy eggs that were laid that morning and what I can’t grow due to my poor greenthumb, I buy from farmers without a marketing campaign (thanks to my co-op). 
I love to eat out – don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe it’s the “best part of going to a town bigger than your own.” So when an opportunity presents itself to chow down on some highly-processed, chemically-laden versions of food, I jump every time. One time, after leaving such an occasion, my sister remarked, “my belly is full, but I’m still ravenous. It’s like I ate something but my body is craving something with nutritional value.” The quick-n-ready forms of making meals has zapped the plate of nourishment. 
***
I have to wonder about the implications of a society that pre-packages entire diets, requiring nothing but peeling back a sheet of cellophane before zapping it with magical waves. Of course, a survey of our health conditions reflects just that – the high cholesterol, rates of heart disease, diabetes, obesity.  I think the sky-high occurrences of anxiety and depression also implicate our lifestyle, even if not our food. It’s not working. Actually, it’s making us sick. 
And thus, for our spirituality. What if the fact that we didn’t grow it, but instead picked it up off the shelf in pre-packaged (and well-marketed) form indicates that it might fill our bellies but leave us ravenous. And because we’re still hungry, we move on to consume the next thing. And the next. 
We’ve been put into a position where we need not work for our meals or our faith. It can be delivered. And, much of the time, we expect it to be. Just recently Relevant received backlash when an author said that “the pastor isn’t feeding me” isn’t a fair reason to leave a church. We’ve come to believe that it’s some other person’s job to grow, harvest, prepare and plate a meal for our immediate consumption that will fill us for the week.  I would argue we’re a few short steps away from offering it in intravenous form, saving our audience the pesky task of chewing. 
So we grab a Bible study on the run, gorging ourselves on activity while starving ourselves of the nourishment of a long obedience in the same direction*. A quick McRun won’t ruin our bodies forevermore, but a steady diet of ready-to-consume products won’t sustain a lifetime of healthy growth. 
***
This weekend we took communion after an emotionally-powerful moment of prayer and repentance. But as I approached the cup and bread, I felt it lacked something. While the moment mattered, it bore more resemblance to what Michael Pollan* would say “your grandparents wouldn’t recognize as food.” I could dine on this moment, but it was only a small part of the daily work involved with feeding my soul. This meal would only last until I boarded the plane. 
Until our generation realizes that the work of God can’t be microwaved, we’ll continue to starve. Our bellies will be filled with whatever we pick up at the drive-thru, but it will lack the vitamins and minerals required for a fully-functioning faith. Our spiritual health will suffer from our SAD (Standard American Diet) of low-quality offerings. 
We can’t approach the newest book, study or Sunday morning teaching as the means for which we will see life change. The acts of growing, chopping, simmering and slow-roasting, I believe, are lost but important parts of the eating process. We’ve reduced food, and spirituality, to what we put into our mouths, forgetting how it got there. When we remove ourselves from the preparation phase of a meal and look only at the final result on the plate – setting aside how it started in raw form, the earth it was grown in, the work involved in making an entire meal – we prioritize a consumption-driven lifestyle, even in our faith.  

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Waiting on Superman

Dearest Beautiful Daughters,

I heard a song on the radio today and it made me cry for you. Without watching the story of the video, I heard how a young girl was “waiting on Superman”…
She’s talking to angels,
Counting the stars
Making a wish on a passing car
She’s dancing with strangers,
Falling apart
Waiting for Superman to pick her up
In his arms, yeah, in his arms, yeah
Waiting for Superman
Oh, dear girls, please. Don’t.
You don’t need a superman. You’re not waiting on anyone to make you who you are. God already did that. Your life doesn’t start with a romantic relationship. It has already begun and a “superman” can only add to what you already offer the world.
The language of our culture wants to convince you that someone’s attention gives you significance. It’s simply not true. You are already significant. The world sings songs about how we’re supposed to bide time until our Superman can show up, when he’s finished saving others. But this isn’t the saving we need.
My prayer is that you will someday find yourself in the strong arms of a “man of steel”, but only because he will need his strength to match your own. Your will, your passion, your focus – these are your gifts offered to us all. You don’t need Superman to have permission to unleash your fire for life.
Dear daughters, don’t wait to be saved. Do some saving. Reach out, connect with others. Be a person who others gravitate toward because your energy brings them life.
Wishing on cars is no way to pass the days. Don’t wait for someone to pick you up. Get up, shake the dust off. Show the world you’re not afraid to get a little dirty. This doesn’t mean that when someone offers you a hand, you’re too good to refuse it. Never, because partnership is always better than solo work. Just remember that asking for help – which is always okay – is different than being saved, if someone other than God is offering salvation. 
It’s okay to have weaknesses. Don’t misread this as a mandate for perfection. Please, don’t be afraid of your strength. As it was written:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”
Much love,
Mama

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