Month: June 2009 (Page 4 of 4)

(this was our first food day: avocado. he thinks cado is ok, but likes Nanacado much better.)

When i was pregnant with henry there were a few common phrases that drove me batty:
2. it’s going to change your life so much! it’s going to change everything! (to which my cousins smartly replied, “well i should hope so!”)
1. just you wait.

the reason i hated (and still dislike) “just you wait” is because, well, i WAS waiting. JJ and i didn’t haphazardly fall into parenting – we wanted this. we wanted a baby. and we had a pretty good handle, thanks to a lot of the experience around us, on the toll it would take on our social, emotional and slumbering lives. but we both knew it was well worth it.

and we still do.

lately, through henry’s “rough patch” i can see it’s more true than ever. there are difficult times. but that’s anything worth doing. marriage can be hard, but it’s so worth it to spend your life with someone. service to others can be difficult, like in those people-serving jobs (youth directing, teaching, social services, counseling – anything where you’re carrying the burden of loving people), but the privilage of sharing space and time with people brings so much gratification. parenting takes more of yourself than you sometimes think you have to give, but wow. they give you more joy than what you thought you could ever experience.

Jesus was constantly talking in backward terms – you have to lose your life to find it, you have to die to live, you have to give to receive. and i think being a mommy or a daddy is a way of God inviting you to live that on a daily basis. it’s always a choice to give of yourself – your sleep, your energy, your body (i never knew i could double as a jungle gym until lately). but oh my gosh! to have this little person want to climb you and then plant a big kiss (well, more of an open mouth suck) on your cheek????

so here’s what i have to offer: selfishness is pretty lonely.

i had to go with a quippy title because the general topic is emotional and frustrating.

it’s been six and a half months, and now, all of a sudden, breastfeeding is hard.

H has been going through a difficult patch. a week of flu and no eating. a week of eating 8x as much to make up for it. and it’s been about a week now that we’ve tried some solids. not to mention a tooth and a half (i haven’t checked yet today to see if #2 has popped through). all of this adds up to wanting to eat at least every 3 hours – day or night.

i love my baby, but i thought we’d moved through this. when he was first born i could work myself through the neediness because, well, he’s a baby. he needs me. but now he wants to eat all the time. he needs to eat – he’s not gaining weight like the doctor wants. he’s eating 5 oz. and wanting more. i’m pumping 3 or 4. needless to say, i think i might be the culprit to our little bad spell and it leads to an overwhelming list of emotions, topping the list: failure, disappointment, shame, and fear.

one thing that makes it all very difficult is the fact that i’m a hard core believer in breastfeeding. i think God designed an amazing system. so with that belief, one of 2 things is happening: a) the system isn’t as great as i thought or 2) i’m doing something wrong. i don’t like either of those.

and there’s a world of competitive moms out there that (i think) would love to see someone with my beliefs fail. which brings on the shame and fear. or maybe that’s my own insecurities speaking.

i’d really rather not have the “you can do it” comments. or the “awww, it’s ok” remarks. probably my pride speaking there, but i just don’t want to hear it.

i have further thoughts, but i also have a crying, hungry baby in my lap. so until then….