i had to go with a quippy title because the general topic is emotional and frustrating.
it’s been six and a half months, and now, all of a sudden, breastfeeding is hard.
H has been going through a difficult patch. a week of flu and no eating. a week of eating 8x as much to make up for it. and it’s been about a week now that we’ve tried some solids. not to mention a tooth and a half (i haven’t checked yet today to see if #2 has popped through). all of this adds up to wanting to eat at least every 3 hours – day or night.
i love my baby, but i thought we’d moved through this. when he was first born i could work myself through the neediness because, well, he’s a baby. he needs me. but now he wants to eat all the time. he needs to eat – he’s not gaining weight like the doctor wants. he’s eating 5 oz. and wanting more. i’m pumping 3 or 4. needless to say, i think i might be the culprit to our little bad spell and it leads to an overwhelming list of emotions, topping the list: failure, disappointment, shame, and fear.
one thing that makes it all very difficult is the fact that i’m a hard core believer in breastfeeding. i think God designed an amazing system. so with that belief, one of 2 things is happening: a) the system isn’t as great as i thought or 2) i’m doing something wrong. i don’t like either of those.
and there’s a world of competitive moms out there that (i think) would love to see someone with my beliefs fail. which brings on the shame and fear. or maybe that’s my own insecurities speaking.
i’d really rather not have the “you can do it” comments. or the “awww, it’s ok” remarks. probably my pride speaking there, but i just don’t want to hear it.
i have further thoughts, but i also have a crying, hungry baby in my lap. so until then….