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the church, the steeple, the people

As of late, this is largely how I’ve begun to feel within the churchy world.  So Rachel Held Evans’ post this week about Why I left the church struck a chord; though I’m not contemplating going anywhere, I resonated with her frustrations. 

Instead of withdrawing, I’ve made the decision engage further; I know the situation isn’t perfect, but I’m not waiting on perfection. As KLR likes to say, I want to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. We’ve found a group of people who seem genuine, kind and welcoming. There’s an organic feel to the church. When you meet in the banquet room of a shanty hotel, you’re really dependent on welcoming others with your people, not your facilities or programs. I like that. 
But, much like Evans has found, sticking around can be exhausting. I sometimes feel like I’m stuffing my emotions under, or even living a double life. I’ve started to participate in the youth ministry and enjoy it to the hilt – it’s like my ministry blood has started flowing again, energizing my limbs that I never knew were sleeping. Talking to the girls, even playing silly games, fits like my Reef sandals on the first day of Spring. 
But returning to something offers a viewpoint of how much has changed, namely: Me. I flinched when the leader used the word “saved” in a talk. Why? I have no idea. We talked about how to have a quiet time, a discipline I love and depend on, a morning ritual that has become my main outlet of peace in tumultuous life. So while I love passing on the knowledge and skills of spending time with God, I’m saddened when it comes across to students as yet another thing to do, another way that proves they’re not enough when they don’t follow through on their goals to become more diligent. Hearing the girls’ frustrations and fears made me want to cuddle them up and say, “But God loves you and this doesn’t define your life with God.” But I was afraid they wouldn’t let me come back next week. 
My view of God and the Church evolved a lot over the past 5 years or so. I feel like it’s roomier, and I’ve allowed some boundaries of belief to become a bit more of a semi-permeable membrane as opposed to a stone fence. I’m okay with it; my relationship with God has flourished, as opposed to floundered, because of it. 
But in becoming more internally spacious, I feel a bit crammed into the larger context of Christian subculture. Like I’m trying to wedge myself in, shoulder first. I want to be a part. But sometimes I feel like there’s just not room at the table. 
I’m not asking that people agree. I’m not looking for people just like me; I’m looking for people who accept and respect me if I disagree. I’m looking for a faith family that loves us all because of – not in spite of – differences. 

your judgmental tone is so loud I can’t hear a word you’re saying

Much like H Boy only seemed to sprout new teeth over holidays, Baby C seems to conjure some sort of issue at the most inopportune times. The weekend I take all three to my folks while my sister arrives as solo parent as well? New teeth. The night before I have to fly to Rhode Island and back (leaving at 5am and returning at 11:30pm thanks to a 3 hour delay in DC)? An unshakable fever. For 3 days straight the girl was hot to the touch and getting hotter. 

As I posted on FB, I decided to play to the mom guilt and take her to the doc – 3 days and 104 were my limits. However, I was fully prepared to get the “it’s a virus, plenty of fluids, dose up on the Tylenol” schpiel. But instead, doc said that it was likely some sort of infection, be it sinus (she was drippy), ear or even urinary tract, and prescribed a antibiotic. 
It’s no secret I’m not a lover of the pharma industry or its sway on the medical community. Apprehensive is the friendly term I’d use for my response. I asked a few questions, as I think all patients should, including “so you don’t think it’s a virus?” But the doc felt pretty strongly that an antibiotic was needed as the fever was too high (agreed) and had been there for too long (agreed). 
He looked through her charts and noticed that she’s not up-to-date on her vaccinations (read: hasn’t had any). I think I saw the “you’re one of those” light come on and then he threw in, “if you don’t want to do the antibiotic then we’ll have to go down to Children’s and do a full panel workup to find out what’s causing it.” 
I hate fearmongering. Especially to moms, who live and sleep the “what if I would’ve” game. It’s not a fair card to play simply because you’re wearing a white coat. They gave us a dose of baby Motrin (right there at the office because I’m sure he was convinced I wouldn’t do it on my own, even though I told him we’d been doing Tylenol for the past 2 days) and asked me point blank if I was going to get it filled. 
I left upset and frustrated. I felt bullied, backed into a corner. I stopped in to my chiro’s office (they share a building. Weird, eh?) and though she wasn’t available, I chatted with the receptionist, who I adore, and she made me feel a bit better. Later she called and said that Dr. A agreed and the antibiotics were the best route at this point. 
I came home sorting through my frustrations. It wasn’t that the doctor prescribed an antibiotic; it’s that I felt he didn’t want to listen to a single concern I had. Because truth be told, I was willing to give her the medicine – I just wanted to talk through all options. And honestly, I would be satisfied with an “I don’t know how it might affect X, but I really think that it’s a secondary concern to the high fever.” That’s a fair answer. But in my situation, I was being treated like it wasn’t even a fair question.  
I think perhaps the larger Christian community could learn a little something from my doctor. Perhaps we should know when to prescribe and when to listen. When to air concerns and when to say, “I hear you, but I think at this point, that’s a secondary concern.” (*Note: this means later addressing secondary concerns as true concerns, not just gloating about how you were right about the primary issue.)
In the end, the doctor was right. The antibiotics dropped her fever quickly and she was in good spirits this afternoon. I didn’t even have to give her a dose of Tylenol tonight. Does that make me want to call him up tomorrow and express how wrong I was and how glad I am that he whipped out the phrase “children’s hospital”? Not at all. I’m shopping for a new doctor. Because even though he’s right doesn’t mean he cares. Just because he can present true fact doesn’t mean I want to see him. 
 

parenting as stewardship

Most Octobers, I don’t enjoy Church because it’s budgeting season and we’re forced to hear how important our 10% is, both to God, the Church and ourselves. Whilest true, I feel the message would be more effective to talk about the 90% and how we steward that. We only have so much to spend, but do we see each purchase as a decision? Probably not. We just know we need more coffee and Meijer put Brand X on sale. That’s not stewardship, that’s math. 

But today I read in the NYTimes Blog (Motherload) a book review on No Regrets Parenting (now on my wishlist); the author did the math and it turns out that as parents we only get 940 Saturdays through childhood (ages birth – 18). Less than a thousand. If you put a dollar in a jar for every Saturday that you get with your kid, when they graduate you’d not have enough to pay their first quarter’s tuition. Or even a decent car to send them away in. 
Wow. 940. I keep rolling that number around in my head and wonder if I’m stewarding them well. Today hit the mark – we spent the night at grandma and grandpa’s, woke up for breakfast that we didn’t make, stopped at Indian Mill to throw stones, took the big kids to the park, grilled out some lunch and then played outdoors after naps. Of my 940, I’d say that’s a good way to spend one (or several). 
I thought about the parents that I follow whose children are in a different stage of life; they get to spend their Saturdays at the ball diamond. I wonder if they enjoy one that way? Forty? What’s the best number to allot to childhood activities versus the number to spend simply being a child? 
Or we can switch days and instead of counting the recreational ones, we could count the spiritual ones. We get 940 Sundays to bring our kids to church, to set an example of prioritizing worship, of introducing them to a family of believers. Sleeping in sounds nice much of the time, but if we only get 940, and we spend 400 of them sleeping, shouldn’t we wonder what a life of faith would’ve looked like? Clearly church attendance doesn’t make the person a Christian (“any more than being in water makes you a fish”), but the simple act of putting on our pretty clothes, singing a song and hearing a message to center us on God means that we’re doing more to stretch our spirituality than if we stayed in our jammies and watched cartoons. I feel like it’s a worthy way to spend a Sunday. 
940. I can’t stop. If I realize that I only get a limited number of childhood Saturdays, will I choose to spend them wisely? (And what exactly is “unwise”?) We don’t need to turn every Saturday into a production, but with this new knowledge I want to be able to begin to name the good and the bad, the worthy and the unworthy. What if I spent at least 100 of them serving others with my kids? How could that impact them? What if we spent at least 50 of them in other places – new states, countries, cultures and climates? How could that shape their view of the world? 
An friend spends his Saturdays at the House of Breakfast with his daughter. Nearly every Saturday, unless extenuating circumstances arise. That’s worthy of a Saturday right there. And they return and still have a whole day ahead (until he has to preach, God bless his soul. *Pats shoulder appreciatively*). 
What if I were to begin viewing Saturdays like money? What if I stewarded my precious time with my children, seeing each week as a decision between this or that. Yes, there’s X we could do. But I want to put my time and energy with my children toward Y. I don’t want another 50 Saturdays of such-and-such to eat away at my stash. 
Stewardship, the idea that we control resources but cannot create them, seems such the church-y word to me, but yet that’s what we are here on earth – stewards. Nothing we owns goes with us; we simply use, enjoy and manage it for a short while. So it goes with children. We can control the resources. We can use, enjoy and manage the time with them for such a brief while. When they’re grown, we cannot manufacture new years of youth to be consumed again. 
I’m glad I can go to bed tonight assured we spent one of the 940 in a most worthy way. And I have another week to plot and scheme so that the immediate future doesn’t slip through my fingers. 
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