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Bring on Easter

Though the whole fasting from purchasing has been a bit easier than anticipated, I still have a list of things that quite possibly will find a home post-Resurrection Sunday. 

1. Jeans that fit
2. A blender that blends (nothing says New Life like a smoothie you don’t chew)
3. Lunch out.
4. A glass container to keep my tea in the fridge
5. Something from IKEA. Just because. 
6. Some sort of white board for my office (I might Pinterest this, but I’ll need to buy supplies)
7. Lounge furniture for my back deck. 
How old am I that these are the purchases I drool over? 

if I only had a penis

While in seminary I once encountered a group of men who told me in no uncertain terms, that women should be silent during church. (Subsequently, when they wanted me to report to the class our assignment, I used their hermeneutic and declined such participation). Later, I was told by a (male) professor that I should be taking part in a few programs offered by the school precisely because of – and in spite of – that very group of men. 
I remember sitting in one of my required UM classes and having a panel discussion about Women in Ministry. I was asked to speak / participate, but I declined. I didn’t feel I had anything to offer. I was a woman and I was in ministry, but I had no thoughts beyond the obvious. The women who led the discussion had more experience fighting battles with the Establishment over their worth and value in a church leadership role. I remember discussing with a friend later that it’s because they’ve fought those battles that I have not needed to; but because I’ve not fought, I’m not passionate. I’ve always been pretty non-involved in these heated theological debates. 
Last night I was told that we had to “check to see” if I was still permitted to lead in ministry in the ways which I have for nearly 10 years. My talents, experience and knowledge came secondary to my sex organs. Which is surely what Jesus looks at first. 
I can’t describe the hurt. The frustration. The sadness. Typically I’m the type who will simply walk away and find a place to fit (and this will likely be coming). But last night I hadn’t moved into “what next.” I apologized profusely to my husband for being difficult, a gesture quite unnecessary in his eyes. But the truth of the matter is: if he’d married one of those quiet, compliant types he’d be involved in a church home by now. (And he probably wouldn’t have spent last night doing his own ironing while his wife went for a run.)
I went to bed with tears. I questioned why God would make me with such a mold. I’ve thought before, and last night with much more certainty, that it would’ve been easier if he’d made me a man. Or if he would’ve shaped my mind differently. If I was born without a large mouth that insists on sharing  everything. Or the insatiable curiosity that has me reading about anything. Born sans these, I think my life would more easily navigable. 
Perhaps if born a man, I’d be okay with the tug I feel toward higher aspirations. I wouldn’t be ashamed to climb any sort of ladder. I wouldn’t feebly raise my index finger when asked “who wants to take this on?” 
I could go on to list the scripture I use to defend my place of service. Or how we can’t bear to think about raising our girls in a place where they’ll infer that they may only participate in church life a fraction of the way their brother will. My mind has ventured in so many directions over the course of hours. 
But the long and short of it: the church made me cry. It made me ashamed of who I am. It made me think that I needed fixed, not because of the sin I in which I find myself entangled, but the body in which I was born. 
And that’s not right. 
So this morning I say a prayer of thankfulness for my roots. For the places and people who grew me. For the encouragement and love of those who believe gifts and passions come from the heart and not the genitals. I’m thankful I know of a place where I will be welcomed as I am. A place that if I’m told to be quiet, it’s because I’m wrong and using bad theology, not because I wear a bra. I’m thankful that this church doesn’t tell the whole story of the Church and a new chapter awaits. 

there’s a Jesus in my yoga

Thanks to my husband’s generous employer, I participate in a weekly yoga practice (some sessions twice a week!) downtown. I absolutely adore the teacher and have benefited on several tiers in terms of personal health. I’ve practiced yoga on my own over the years, or with others who had some knowledge of postures, but this is my first experience with a trained professional (and it makes a difference, I must add). 

Over the years I’ve discovered that a sector of the Christian population tends to shy away from the idea, scared it might let the devil in or something. I suppose I understand the reasoning – that its roots lie in another religious practice, namely Hinduism – and articles from both the Hindi and the Christian side can argue against a crossover (google “yoga and religion” and sit back with buggy eyes). 
I’m a huge advocate that spirituality and faith is not simply a heart or mind condition; it’s something that involves one’s entire being. Following Jesus isn’t just about what I think or feel, but it contains also what I eat and how I treat my body, among other things. So I’m not convinced that I can just “turn off” my faith for an hour or so while I twist into a pretzel. But, (much to this writer’s chagrin), I also won’t leave donning a Bindi.

Instead, I choose to take the wisdom and understanding from the practice and see how it can strengthen my own framework, which is (largely, I hope) built around Jesus. Though Jesus himself had access to all truth, I’m not convinced his followers have had a corner on that market, so perhaps an open mind might help us connect our own dots. Which is exactly what happened on Thursday. 
Our practice contained a large amount of twisting and turning, stirring up the insides and opening up the chest. At its conclusion, as always, we ended in shavasana (pronounced in our class “shibasa” but when I googled “corpse pose” this is the spelling wiki provided. And wiki is always right, right?). Corpse pose says it all: laying flat on the ground, eyes closed, releasing tension throughout the body, quieting the mind. I remembered that I’d learned before that this pose is where “the true work of yoga is done” (I think this came from my yogoamazing podcasts. Free, but a warning: he is a tad fruity.)
I began to chew on the fact that the act of ending work with a period of rest in order to make the work fully effective is a shared idea across the two beliefs. In the pose the body switches to a anabolic state of being, when organ and muscle repair happen, as opposed to our normal catabolic state (thank you wiki!). All of the work we did for 50 minutes may amount to nothing if we don’t give the body a chance to absorb it, to wallow in the change that is happening within. 
And so it goes with the end of our week. We work, toil, sweat and labor (even if by sitting at a desk) all week. We might even see progress. We might meet the end (or perhaps just the middle) of our to-do list. So rarely do I hear about people getting ahead, but many find victory in simply keeping up the pace. 
But the truth of the matter is that none of it will last if we don’t take a Sabbath break. If we don’t rest and allow the change to work itself through us. It’s a basic principle of nature: rest is required. Runners are fully aware – they mandate regular rest throughout marathon training. Even bears at the zoo operate with a similar law of nature (a fantastic teaching by Ruth Haley Barton includes this tidbit). 
At its base, in both the practice of yoga and in a life following Jesus, this fundamental truth will save us. We cannot do it all. Change cannot be mandated, only invited. “Like fruit in a vineyard, these gifts appear…” It is in the stopping, the resting, the simmering, that the best work is done in us. Grace doesn’t force herself upon helpless victims; she awaits an open door. And her presence transforms us. 
I’m hoping that tomorrow she arrives early and stays all day. 
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