Category: Uncategorized (Page 149 of 188)

i just wrote at least 3-4 paragraphs centered around the fact that i’ve begun the process of realizing that there is a baby coming very soon. but i’m just not able to “go there” publicly quite yet (though there are definately thoughts and a post on the verge of emerging). so i’ll go with a secondary thought i had earlier today.

one of H’s favorite people is Mr. Ron, the retired gentleman who plays bass in the praise band at church (also on the list are aaron, the high school basketball star who helps in the nursery once a month and his regular babysitter, CW). now, i’m sure Mr. Ron is a favorite for many. he was one of the first things i really loved about the church. because of my complete musical inept-ness, i love watching musicians do their thing and really enjoy it. Mr. Ron has a way of grooving to his bass that just gives me a feeling of joy. i love it. (i also have a slight fetish with watching the piano player-turned-guitarist. did you know he does it all WITHOUT MUSIC? simply amazing).

back to Mr. Ron. about a year ago we found out that he was battling cancer. i actually spoke of this when the church asked me to preach last summer, but one of the things that really got to me was watching Mr. Ron play his bass and sing his heart out to a song with the chorus “oh, no you never let go, through the calm and through the storm; oh no, you never let go, every high and every low; oh no, you never let go, Lord you never let go of me”. all this while he’s undergoing treatments. it was so inspiring to me to watch him sing. if HE could sing it (and it was clear by watching that he meant it), then surely i could take confidence that God would get me through whatever i was facing.

today we sang the song again, and in my prenatal state, was again moved to tears thinking about his journey through and to where we are today (last i knew Mr. Ron was doing pretty well). and so i was quite grateful that we can celebrate even the valleys we walk through. it was good to know that Mr. Ron had a God to cling to, a hope.

some folks i know are really struggling with some hard stuff. real darkness. one of those issues that takes your soul and holds it down and beats on it for a while, all the while screaming at you that you’ll never get back up. i’m not sure of what their faith in God looks like, but i think right now they’re struggling just to know that the sun will actually rise and set each day – trusting in an unseen being to get them through is quite a stretch. and so i was really sad because i don’t know that they could sing the same song as Mr. Ron with the same confidence.

and then i was sad for those of us who know of the struggle and are walking onward. i think of her mom… her mom is one of those faithful that could sing this song with complete confidence if she were facing cancer, but when it comes to one of her children, it’s hard to sing with the same gusto. it’s almost like you can trust God with your own soul, but trusting Him with one of your beloved? for some reason it’s much harder.

it’s really hard to watch someone walk through the valley. it’s harder when they don’t cling to hope. so sometimes, these songs don’t make sense. i feel like there are several people walking through this valley with them- and many of us have a hope of something better – but it just doesn’t seem to be helping. and though i know God won’t let go of me, i feel like shouting, “but what about them?! that’s who you need to hold on to!”

it’s a big thing to come through one of those trials of life and still stand. i’m currently tempted to say that it’s an even bigger thing to watch (and support) someone navigate a crisis of life and have enough faith to get you through. sometimes i wonder – while my faith is big enough for me, is it big enough to hold everyone i love?

while we thought H was much better after sunday’s hiccup of sickness, it turns out – not so much. tuesday night there was some puking, so mommy stayed home on wednesday. it was an all-day cuddle-fest. and it’s just not right to contaminate a good babysitter’s house (i want her to keep me, you know), so i was home today as well. the kiddo was back among the living – toddling around a bit, playing with this or that, but still not 100%. he definately required more attention (and holding) than his normal life.

while it’s always nice to get a break from work and not be the sick one, on the other hand… them’s a couple of loooong days. so much so that i had to go get dairy queen tonight. well, DQ was the result of several incidents: JE mentioned that there would be a DQ cake at the birthday party on saturday; my kid was much happier in a moving vehicle; i’m pregnant and i get at least one of those indulgences per pregnancy (last time it was pancakes at 9 pm). i must say, a good georgia mud fudge can make a day brighter.

i’m sure it’s different when the kid is happy, playing and not so dependent. i’m sure it’s different when it’s above freezing out and you can get outside. i’m sure it’s different when it’s not a thursday and you could at least go to the LIBRARY. but if it’s not different, i don’t think i could do the stay at home thing all day, every day. my friends are currently avoiding my phone calls because i’m chatting their ears off, simply because i’ve had no real interaction. CSI is a good show, but there’s no real back-and-forth to the conversation. they talk but don’t listen.

however, i’ve also been around a few friends to know i don’t think i could do the gone at work thing all day, every day. the rush rush of the mornings and then the repeat performance around dinner – i get tired of it. i don’t love doing dishes and laundry right before bed because we don’t have clean underwear or forks.

i also don’t think i’d be very good at working-from-home while the kids are around. i mean, when do you shower??? i finally get a moment and i’m rushing to the computer to check email and get things done, but yet i still smell. and i have to get dinner in the oven. again, perhaps it’s different when the kids are able to entertain themselves for 10 minutes.

all this to say: there’s no such thing as perfection. the ideal is that you’re fully engaged in what you’re doing at the moment – be it work or tending to kids. and if you’re lucky enough to have a job that allows you to work some of the time while being home some of the time, then maybe you ought not complain about it too much and appreciate its benefits. you can look forward to the days among adults and also look forward to time with the kids. with the right perspective, maybe you’ll even appreciate it as you’re enjoying it.

jj and i had a family christmas on saturday night over by urbana. the actual location, according to google maps, is “middle of bufu ohio”. but have no fear, i married mr. gps himself who jotted down a few road numbers but took a “mental picture” of google maps.

we saw the same stretch of 33 no less than 4 times.

at first i was frustrated. i wanted to smack something. but when we saw 33 for the 3rd time jj finally let on that perhaps his mental map was a bit fuzzy.

then it got funny. it was manageable. we called my dad, he gave some directions that were impossible to follow, we turned right instead of left and all of a sudden we were where we were supposed to be. go figure.

the older i’ve gotten, (and if anyone is counting i’m about ready to step over one of those “old people” line markers in several months), the more i need a simple acknowledgement that things just aren’t wrapped up in nice, neat packages. the postmoderns of the world would talk about the lack of black & white and the need for gray (or grey, depending on if you have brittish blood). it’s not even that so much. for me, i’m realizing more and more the need for a humility that allows for the fact that i just. don’t. know. i don’t know what life will bring or how i will react. i don’t know why we turned right when the map said left. in the same vein, i don’t know what life is like for others and how they *should* act. i just don’t know.

we talked about this briefly on sunday with this new group of people i chat with at 9:15. some biblical scholar of counseling shared that at the beginning of the story of Job, he (Job) was in a position that somewhat felt he had a control over God. he knew how to work the system. he had it figured out. the smart guy on the video made a statement similar to “there’s nothing God hates more than when someone thinks they have it all figured out.”

so tonight i really enjoyed hearing from anne lamott in her book (plan b: further thoughts on faith): i remembered something Father Tom had told me – that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort and letting it be there until some light returns.

now i know the verse that the good Christian will recite to me from hebrews about faith “being sure of what we hope for, things we have not seen”… but dare i revert to the hebrew meaning of “hope” which is, more literally, “wait”? if so… faith is simply waiting on things to come to fruition. it’s not knowing what you know. it’s knowing what you don’t know and being confident in a God who is bigger than the unknown.