Category: kids (Page 9 of 11)

Lessons from the line in Meijer

Because I seem to spend about 7/8 of my free time in the grocery, it’s my primary opportunity to view the world. What I’ve seen is astounding. Most recently a couple completed their checkout and decided they needed an impulse purchase of beef jerky. So the friendly customer service associate waited patiently (with a growing line of patrons) while Mr. Inconsiderate browsed the dried meat rack. After ringing it in, there was a discrepancy between what showed on the credit card pad and the actual total. The CSA seemed pretty confident in what she was doing, proof that this is likely a regular occurrence. However, the customer was unsure and her language and tone indicated as much. She told the cashier, “Are you sure? Because I’m only running this through ONCE.” 

I tried to make my buggy eyes resume their normal shape. I couldn’t believe people actually talk to other humans in this way, with little to no provocation. Somehow when the woman woke that morning and put on a red shirt and khakis, she was also inviting criticism from anyone who happened to run out of milk and saw aisle 5 had the shortest line. 
I can somewhat understand a tiff at the ball field when emotions are running high (though, seriously, IT’S JUST A GAME). Or a flagrant handwave of one finger when you’re cut off in traffic. But during the simple act of paying for your groceries? Even the worst of baggers deserves the most basic of respect (and, after a separate conversation, they’re not “good” baggers because everyone has different preferences. It’s a total crapshoot on their part). 
So yesterday morning when we watched Matt, I should not have been surprised to watch the clip on the grandma bullied by middle schoolers. As Gail the Staff Psychologist said, “what’s wrong with kids is what’s wrong with adults.” We want to blame “kids these days”, but the Meanie at Meijer had two littles watching her. Kids aren’t picking this up from their imagination, it’s the example set forth before them. 
I’ll say it until I’m blue in the face: words matter. With them God created the heavens and earth. With them we can bite and ravish and destroy one another. And all of them are heard by little ears, not just in the same room but also in the same line. 
If you’re appalled by the video, instead of asking, “what’s wrong with these kids?” perhaps instead reflect, asking, “how do I treat others who owe me absolutely nothing?” 

Learning to succeed at failure

I learned at Youth Director Camp that when it comes to helping develop people, it’s best to “set them up for success.” We were trained to put our volunteers and students in positions to do things well so they feel the energy that comes from completing a task. The theory says: by experiencing success, people will be inspired to try again in new endeavors. I believe it’s mostly true.

That being said, I’ve noticed a tendency in myself to set my kids up for failure. Kinda a little on purpose mostly.

Don’t get me wrong, I celebrate with my kids on their achievements. Just yesterday Miss M put her pants on (tag in the back!) by herself and high fives flew. They regularly hear how they are good helpers, good listeners, big boy/girls, and how I appreciate how they try so hard and listen so well.

But on the whole, when my kids ask me to do something for them, I request that they first try themselves. Sometimes more than once. When it’s clear they won’t accomplish their goal, I tell them that perhaps with some practice they’ll be able to do it someday, but I’m glad to help them right now.

Full disclosure: I do this with tasks in which I’m well aware they cannot succeed.

Perhaps it seems cruel. LP would probably inform me of the detriment to their psyche. However, I have little interest in how well they can actually climb into a swing or take the lid off of a toy. When they reach the ability to master the feat, I’m not sure I’ll propose a parade. While I do believe that we must celebrate life’s accomplishments – I’m all for a good party – I think we more often fail at failing.

My goal in parental-induced failures: to flounder enough that failing doesn’t scare them. I hope missing the mark won’t paralyze their attempts at trying. I believe, to an unknown extent, that by experiencing failure regularly, it will take the sting off. Perhaps not all the time, or in life’s gut check situations, but on the whole, I dream for times when my kids come face-to-face with an idea and someone says, “but you might fall!” that they can respond, “yeah, I might” while proceeding to give it a try. I hope that they remember how the momentary hurts fade into the background, especially when they succeed with a second, third or eighth attempt.

It’s not a foolproof plan. It could completely backfire. I could totally change my tune when they start setting sights on plans that include sharp objects, moving out on their own or large sums of money. And I’m not oblivious to the fact that helping them learn to fail well means allowing them to watch when I stumble and fall. It includes the lesson of how to get up gracefully and with dignity – and neither of those mean that you have to do it without tears. Hurt and pain and disappointment are real and allowed, but not the end of the story.

So if you see me refusing to open the pickle jar or button pants or put them atop a ladder, don’t be too alarmed. They’re learning a valuable lesson. And I’m sure after my first trip to the ER, I will too.

take 5

JJ inspired this post. 5 random things about each kid right now:

M (23 months):
1. Sour cream. 
2. “I toot bubbles.” 
3. Echoing H
4. “I’m going!” 
5. Dancing.  
H (3 years)
1. Raisins and nuts. 
2. Ben.  (Right, Daddy-ben?) 
3. Repetition
4. “Do you want to be able to watch TV at Adrienne’s?” 
5. Jumping.  
C (almost 8 months)
1. Streeeeeeetch, turn, reach for that object. 
2. Food. 
3. Smiles. 
4. Clapping. 
5. Rocking. 
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