Dear Kroger Marketplace, kroger

I hear you’re coming. I’ve heard it for the totality of the 3+ years I’ve lived here, but things seem to be moving along. Now, I’m unfamiliar with the benefits of such bigger-than-big grocery stores, other than the fact that I can buy new furniture with my dog food. To tell you the truth, I don’t really want to buy those things together.

I’m a Meijer shopper through and through. It wasn’t necessarily because of specific incidents at your store. I can buy “last chance” bell peppers, 3-4 of them for just over a buck. The organics line, specifically in regards to the spaghetti sauce, is outstanding. The Mperks coupons generally fit my profile (though they’re notorious for not actually discounting my bill if I’m not careful. **Looking at you, Meijer**). The gas is cheap and 30 seconds from my house. All in all, I have no reason to switch.

I’m probably not your target demographic anyway, but I should be. I spend more money on my groceries than my mortgage. I’m trying to raise my little people to eat and enjoy healthy foods. I largely structure my week around meals. So, pretending you’re not aiming for extreme couponers (which I’m not), then let’s draw a picture of what it would take to get me to switch. It’s really just one thing, actually, with a few accessories.

A large space for my kids to run, jump, climb and slide.

That’s it. Seriously. If you have free wifi and a decent cup of coffee available nearby, I may never leave. You don’t even have to staff the place – however, I hear Giant Eagle does, wink wink – I just want to give someone other than McDonalds my $1.09 while I let my kids burn a bit of energy while I get a smidge of work done on the computer. I’ll even pay $1.50. Or $2 for the Starbucks. Whatever, man.

The concept is quite simple – and genius, really. I would stop by for an hour one morning to let the little ones go down the slide while I finish a bit of work and check my email and spend too much money on overpriced coffee. THEN I would remember that I’m out of chicken broth (which is a lie, because I make mine, but let’s go with that) for dinner. I gather my children, and while in the organics section I decide my little angels deserve a special little treat for behaving so well while in public. A box of granola bars, a bar of Dr. Bronner’s soap and a bag of grapes because they’re on sale! and I’m headed out the door. Oh, and let’s not forget the endcaps of beer. We are raising several young children at one time and bedtime tends to invoke a small amount of imbibing.

Don’t you see how much money you will take from me? And you know what? I don’t care! Because I’d rather give you and extra $10 each week in unnecessary but usable organic groceries than my $1.09 that McDonald’s swipes on an irregular basis.

So, there you have it. Sales flourish. Shoppers switch. And if you instituted a you-scan-it method so I can bag while I shop? Sweet love of all the groceries, I might kiss your store manager. Grocery shopping could become a sweet oasis, nearly like that of IKEA. (Which, by the way, watches my children play while I get a free cup of coffee and enjoy free WIFI. That’s where I would buy furniture.)

Show me to the petitition to make this happen. I’d be glad to call and talk to your supervisor. We all know I’m right.



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