Thanks to both great genes and growing up such atmosphere, I have the marketable quality of being able to converse with a brick wall. Not just a nod & “how you doin’?” but a full out conversation about the wall’s feelings and inner make up of rock and mortar (“really, so they they add the water after and then mix it on the board? Intriguing!). Yes, I thank my parents for this unique and sometimes tragic gift. It consistently makes me the last person out of church, no matter if I go to my own church or not. Husband loves that.
My father has the trait by nature, probably a gift from my grandmother. It’s fascinating, actually. He’ll ask a question, listen to your answer and actually be interested in your perspective. Now, he’s not perfect… he’ll probably ask “what?” a few times. One of my favorite examples of this was when we were in Mexico and took a cab to the market. Dad would ask – in English – a question to the cabbie. Sister or I would translate. Cabbie would answer, in Spanish. Sister or I would translate. We thought Dad was just being polite until he KEPT ASKING QUESTIONS. Oh, it drove us crazy. But that’s his nature.
Now my mother’s talking skills come from trade. As a hair dresser, you take “chatting with ackward people 102” in beauty school. I’ve been to a stylist who got a C in that class. Not comfortable.
However, in my ability to chat comes a tendency to find common ground. This, my friends, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Not all the time. But it can be.
I’m finding that my lack of empathy and understanding of others comes when I same-plane them. I put whatever they’re dealing with into the realm of my own experiences. I do it as a way to understand, but what actually happens is that I belittle their experiences. Case in point, next time I hear a mom complain about her baby not sleeping, the temptation will be to great to not say, “oh, we’ve been there, it’s awful, it lasted at least 3 weeks…” But her child not sleeping is not like my child not sleeping. Though I want her to feel as if she’s not alone in her struggle, I need also to pay attention that I don’t make her feel as if her struggle is invalid. When a person is down and out, the last thing they want to hear is how someone has it worse – it only makes them hate their situation AND feel like a whiner.
So this is my Lentan quest. To listen, to ask, and to keep myself out of it. When I hear a story, to not feel compelled to offer my own version of it. To talk about myself less and the other person more. In my conversations with KLR about “what this will look like”, I’ve had to nail down some specifics about my Lent. So by “talking about myself less” I don’t mean that I won’t answer questions about what’s going on with me and my family when asked. It doesn’t mean I’ll stop blogging about my life because, frankly, it’s what keeps me sane. But rather, I’ll stop talking about myself in the context of conversations to and about others. And I hope that 40 days from now I’ll be a better, more compassionate listener.
Month: March 2011 (Page 4 of 5)
Sometimes we just need to stop and take inventory about the good things. I haven’t done that lately. My own fault; perhaps a change in perspective will yield a super weekend.
H – 2 years, 3 months
- Words, words words. He’s saying things that I never realized he knew. What fun! He was practicing colors with grandma last night and he was counting his ginormous bowling pins the other day. I’m not convinced they were all numbers, or in the right order, but he was counting.
- Love, love, love. He loves his sis. Sometimes when I’m rocking her and she’s putting out some noise, he’ll bring in his beloved Buckeye to make sister feel better. Too sweet.
- The other morning I opened his door to wake him up and Miss M beat me in the door. She crawled over to say good morning and H just cackled in delight.
- Sometimes he even comes to “her level” – crawling in a game of chase, showing her how to go down the stairs backward. I love how he enjoys playing with her.
- For having an issue with hearing, he’s a good listener. Sometimes he’ll tell you “no” at a request, but immediately follow instructions. I suppose he’s just showing that he’s doing it because he wants to, not because I said so, right?
- I went to pick him up from the sitters’ and told him it was time to go. He immediately started picking up his toys. Be. Still. My. Heart.
- We’re learning to dress oureself; socks can be a bit tricky but we’ve almost got shoes mastered. Correct feet optional.
- The potty training is in a good place. Still a few issues with the poo-poo, as he knows it’s coming but not exactly sure when. So we still do diapers at nap and night time as he typically doesn’t wake up, but we’ll move on that later, when I’m not so tired from dealing with the other one. I can handle 2 diapers a day.
- He LOVES to play outside. Whether in snow, mud or pretty grass, he’s dying to get out the back door. The other day he put on his shoes and asked for his coat so he could go out.
- He’s started to give personalities to his stuffed animals and toys. Lion is a new favorite, whom he potty trained and was feeding. We learned the other day that Lion’s name is “Beans.” I have no idea.
Miss M
- Though we’ve had some significant sleeping issues, she’s happy as a lark during the daytime. I guess she wants to be allowed to stay in the family :).
- She suddenly decided to give up her binky, which was a surprise. Though the going-to-sleep process was easier with it, I suppose it’s a good thing to get through this period earlier. H’s attachment to the stupid thing has only grown, I fear he’ll take it to prom.
- She LOVES stairs. Not just one flight at a time – we’ll be in the basement and within a minute she’s upstairs. We’re still working on going down. She’s still learning that head-first isn’t the best option.
- She’s doing good with food and enjoys most everything. I should be better about offering her more variety, but that’s probably true of my whole family. What do you mean you’re tired of pasta?
- She adores her brother. All she wants is whatever he’s doing. Thus the forward-facing stair attempts.
The parentals
Husband found out this week that though the teacher whom he his subbing for did put in her retirement, she will be returning following spring break, so his long-term sub job will be reletively short-lived. Hopefully these several weeks will be enough to prove to the principal that they want ot hire him for next year. He really likes the school, the students and the staff, so we have our hopes high – though this would require a move. :(. But it’s a great career opportunity and my work has been flexible and I believe I’ll be able to work remotely.
We’re now slumlords. Well, collegiate slumlords. On a joint venture we invested in a house near campus with hopes to have it rented next year. It was a good deal, the more advanced slumlords in our life all thought it was a good move. Which reminds me, my assignment was to call AEP today…
And lastly, we’re on a mission to find a mini-van. Now that husband’s drive time will be shorting starting in April, we can start looking again. Anyone want a 03 Accord, 2 doors, runs like a dream? I’m so sad to be selling it. I thought I’d have my first kid driving the thing, but the 2 doors just isn’t helpful with a gaggle of children.
As for me, I’d give away a rental house for the opportunity to have a margarita. This pregnancy is lasting 10 years it seems, and I’m only halfway!
I can’t not have an opinion. Seminary is breeding ground for these types of posts. The whole Rob Bell/universalism debate that exploded via tweets led me to greater questions of my own to ask of the book (which I have not read) and the critics (which haven’t read it either).
Allow me to back the train up for non-nerds who don’t keep up on preachers via Tweetdeck.
Rob Bell, easily one of my top 5 favorite teachers, wrote another book. Since he’s already covered the heated topic of sexuality, this time he thought he’d take on heaven, hell and eternal destity. You know – light, before-bed type reading. Critics (of which the Meanie Award goes to Piper… my opinion on that cluster to come later) hold that Robbie B nears too close to “universalism”, meaning everybody gets to go to heaven no matter their belief (ok, there are varying degrees of such thought, because it’s impossible for anyone to disagree in the same way, but you can bone up on your escatology here).
Because, like the critics and other fans, I have not read the book, I don’t really have a opinion of what he’s “really saying.” But I do have an opinion on what critics are saying. Actually, KLR had it as a quote in her FB at one point – it read (paraphrased – I tried to google it but couldn’t find it. I only looked once. You can proofcheck me, I don’t care):
If heaven and hell didn’t exist, I’d follow Jesus just the same.
So I want to ask the critics: If, as you propose that Rob proposes, heaven and hell don’t exist, would you love Jesus just the same?
Under that question, what I’m really asking is: do you believe based on fear of punishment or in anticipation of reward?
I was fortunate enough to have over an hour in a rocking chair at 1am to perseverate on this further and even come up with (semi-) parallel examples. Behold.
First, love. Do we only love out of fear (aka, of being alone)? What kind of relationship does that yield? Or, on the flip side, do we only love because of what we get out of it – such as clean laundry, a nest egg or pretty children? Love, in its nature, brings a lot of personal benefit – it feels good. But why do we choose to engage in loving others? I propose it’s because we want to be a part of something greater than ourselves. True love is more than “what I can get” or what you’re avoiding.
Exhibit B: learning. Ask any teacher, there are those who do enough to avoid punishment (this was husband’s experience earlier this year; I’ll allow him a guest post sometime to share how succesful that method of motivation turns out to be). A step up are the students to complete assignment if reward is involved. But withhold the reward, and behold, little to no response. Also not overly effective. But there is a third, the student who dives into learning for the sake of gaining knowledge, of being exposed to bigger ideas, to grow. Again, participating in something larger than yourself.
If we put following Jesus on par with love or learning, we have to ask what kind of faith is produced when it stems from fear or anticipating personal gain. I’m not sure it’s the kind of faith that will be tested through the trials or tribulations, much less a book about the everlasting.
I’m not arguing for or against whatever Rob may or may not have written. But the sensitivity of some regarding their opinions of theology didn’t make me squirmy about the book; it made me squirmy about being sensitive about theology. I thought, “is this what I sound like?” Perhaps we could learn more if we stopped defending and asked about the implications if we were wrong. And, more often times than not, it won’t lead us to change our theology but rather gain understanding of why we believe what we do.