it coulda been me

i’ve not been sleeping well the past few nights… we received some sad/disturbing/shocking news that family friends of ours have been dealing with some tough circumstances. i hate to divulge information that is not mine to share… the long of the short of it, a woman who I’ve always thought a wonderful wife and mother, left her family abruptly.

it’s caused all kinds of emotions in me. i’m extremely sad for the kids, who are all young adults or nearly that status. they’re mature and grounded individuals (probably the most wise for their age, at all stages i’ve known them, of any kids i’ve worked with). thankfully they also have a strong support system. but still… the thoughts and emotions that go with such events would have to be overwhelming. i’m praying that the devil doesn’t get a foothold in this.

so other than the emotion i feel for the kids (despite their age, they’ll always be my “kids”, even if they don’t want to be “mine” anymore), i’ve been largely affected by by fear. i don’t think anyone really knows why this happened, what would cause such action to be taken. and that’s scary for me. how do i know that i would never do such a thing? i don’t. i’m not so sure that there’s too much difference between miss c and I. i’m not more “moral” than her. i definately don’t have a stronger faith. and she has loved her family with a strength and an intensity that would never raise a doubt. and though she’s done something very upsetting, it hasn’t negated the person she has always been.

when i was engaged to be married i remember telling a friend that marriage scared me simply because it put me in the pool of people that would be eligible for divorce. by remining single you can ensure that you won’t endure that pain. but by taking the step of marriage, it put you “at risk” for divorce pain. and i had similar understanding: no one walks into marriage with the intention of divorce. my fear was the same: what makes me think i’m any different?

nothing. i’m not any different. but i do hope that my knowledge and awareness of my same-ness will provide some prevention. by knowing the dangers that *could* lie ahead, by watching the difficulties of others and trying to be wise in safeguarding myself from that temptation, maybe – just maybe – i’ll have a chance. maybe i’ll be quicker to communiate fears, to make small changes when unhappieness creeps in.

i’m not saying that people don’t have the chance to make better decisions; i’m not trying to be fatalist and say that this just “happens” to some people. we don’t just one day find ourselves in divorce court or in someone else’s arms – day by day, decision by decision, we become the people we want to be. as don miller says, we write our own stories. but if there’s a skill i have, it lies in my ability to justify anything. so day by day and decision by decision i could justify away the choices i make, good or bad.

i’ve been thinking a lot about the story i’m writing with my life, the message it sends others, its ability to engage and encourage and inspire others. i see a lot of room for growth. i wonder if miss c ever thought the same thing? i wonder if she felt like she could change the direction of the story. i wonder what about her story made her unhappy. i have all kinds of quesitons. and i don’t think that i actually need the answers (that would just satisfy curiosity – not actually help me). i think i just need to ask myself the questions.