Month: June 2009 (Page 1 of 4)

i’m not sure how the folks who do it on a regular basis think, but preaching takes it out of me. i currently have what i like to call an extrovert headache and anticipate a subsequent extrovert hangover to commence soon. i reaaaaalllly need a nap. and i blame preaching completely.

its a really odd thing… i can’t explain it. preaching is very lonely for me and leaves me with a feeling of “what now?”. i find myself constantly asking those closest to me about it afterword – what could i do better? did you get this part? did the message become clear? what were you compelled to think or do? i’m honestly not digging for compliments. and it’s not even about improving a skill. i just need to know it mattered.

you spend so much time working through a piece… diving into the scripture, understanding the context, all the homiletic energy you expend. there’s a moment that arrives that you burst through, light shining on exactly what it is that you’re trying to get at.
then you begin to craft something that you hope will communicate the message. generally it’s not one story or illustration that makes it, but something about how it all fits together. i spent a significant period of time last night reworking today’s message because i had kinda felt like i was sitting with one cheek on a seat. after a good run, i was “where i needed to be” (as i told JJ).

so you do all that… it’s initimate work. with the scripture, with the message. you don’t even have to be telling significantly personal stories, but the act of sharing the message is deeply personal. it’s like you just throw yourself out there for all to see.

i’m always encouraged by positive feedback, even some people saying meaningful things. but generally i’m left wanting. i wonder if it’s like when a chef prepares a gormet meal and a patron just says “thanks.” or even worse, “that tasted a lot like a dish i had at …” i wonder if musicians feel it when after composing a piece people say, “that was pretty.”

i’m not sure exactly what i would be looking for post-sermon. i don’t have an ideal. it was just an observation since i’ve preached a few times recently, all for the first time really when i wasn’t working for the church.

so that’s my day. time for a nap.

lots and lots of emotions all whirled around like a hurricane right now…

**frustration. and over something mundane. sometimes i just need to get over myself.

**fear / nerves. i preach again tomorrow. this is not normal (this= both preaching and feeling nervous about it). makes me more nervous. vicious cycle.

**sadness for a friend

**overwhelming love for this handsome 7 (nearly 8!) month old boy.

**that feeling you get when you read a really really good book that you want to hurry through to see how it ends but yet you never want it to end and has a subject matter of consequence, leaving you feel like you need to change something. i’m addicted.

i know, i just need to settle down now. *deep breath*. maybe a run will help clear it all up.

we’ve had our days, but lately this kid has been soooo much fun. we’re finally sleeping well, and then this morning at 7:30 we still hadn’t heard him get up – verrrry unusual. JJ went to check on him and guess who was in his crib just playing happily?! it was so sweet.

i was just watching him play today. he likes to just sit and play. you know, shake an empty spice jar (filled with noodles), or pull the liner off the basket the toys were in. or try to catch lizzie’s tail. i could just sit and watch and smile. just yesterday while on the phone with my dad he (H, not my dad) wanted to sit with me, and he just laid there and cuddled. peaceful.

it made me do some reflecting (as most things do). i’ve had some recent frustrations, some tears with previous patterns that H seemed to get stuck in. i felt very… i’m not sure what the word is… but i felt bad for feeling it. but today made it worth it. i’m not saying that H hasn’t been enjoyable until today – he’s brought so much joy already! but today made all the tears and fears and frustrations melt away. they didn’t even matter.

it was a good day.