Not in a hurt-my-child or they-never-have-clean clothes kind of way. No, I care for my children, but on occasions that other (read: good) moms use for fun and celebration and magic, I use to teach a lesson. Usually in ways convenient to my agenda. 

We started the valentine’s-making way back at the beginning of the week because I know me and how I suck. I assisted by cutting the coffee filters into a heart but wouldn’t you know we don’t have any markers. So they were stuck with plain old crayons to decorate, and H-boy declared he could do his own cutting of hearts and opted for the thin, grayish, highly-recycled paper we had on hand. Gorgeous, I’m telling you. Just gorgeous. 

Yesterday we went another round of valentine-decorating. Miss M had laid out her special ones and named the friends she wished to give them. She had a whole stack so I worried little about needing to write names on each one. H-boy was writing them out to his friends (and their siblings, because that’s what he does). But by the time we boarded the minivan this morning it was clear that neither had finished their valentine-making. The boy, especially.  

The pile of unfinished, unimpressive homemade valentines. Go me.

I decided not to care. I felt some guilt as Miss M put them in some boxes and not others, despite the teacher’s gracious supply of a class list. But I decided that the kids without one from her would never know the difference. 

The whole cluster made me reflect on the holiday practices and what we teach our children. The day celebrates love and showing affection, but we do this by buying little cards and writing names on them. And we insist the kids make one for every single person lest someone feel left out – I get that. I don’t want my kid to be the only one not getting cards. 

On the other hand, is it really love? Or are we teaching them how to give tokens of purchased affection because “that’s what we do” and provide yet another holiday to flood their little bloodstreams with sugar? To me, that seems to take away the magic of a day created to focus us on love and adoration. We can’t possibly love 20 people with deep and equal adoration, so perhaps giving to the 19 might be hindering us from honoring the one. 

While I love the discipline side of the practice – having him sit down and write out the names and give attention to the act will eventually grow in him a love and appreciation, or so the thought goes – I’m hesitant to force it upon him. What if he only wants to give 3 valentines? Why is that wrong? He’s a boy that loves fiercely to those closest to him – but it may take a while to reach that inner circle. I don’t want to instill the value of rote, thoughtless practice but rather cultivate a heart that desires to show affection. Forcing him to show affection to someone he doesn’t authentically love seems to be a step in the wrong direction, especially for this boy. 

I vow to all my kindergarten and elementary teacher friends, I’ll get on the ball before it becomes an issue of hurting feelings. I don’t need to be that mom all the time. But if we’re going to celebrate love, I want them to truly love, from their centers and with their actions, not just with their names scribbled on cards. 

***

He’s not quick to join new social settings or make friends quickly, especially if those friends come across loud and excited. He will hang back, observe and once he experiences what he deems as an indication of safety, he’ll join in. I try not to worry and allow him to be himself (without making it too easy for him to opt for solo activity every time), but the noise surrounding “well socialized” children gets pretty loud. 

But just watch him. He’s the most amazing big brother. His concern for his sisters, and now his baby brother, speaks louder than all my worries. He asks them to play, begs for one of them to sleep in his room for a nap, and entertains the baby more often than I wish he would. 

He’s sensitive to their feelings and watches out for them. He’s an all-around good brother. Why isn’t society applauding this kind of relational success? 

“Watch your step,” he says.

Take a quick survey of the adults in your world – who do they spend time with? Who appears on your frequently called list? When family, specifically siblings, live nearby they tend to stick together. One of our favorite things is to spend time with my sister, her husband and children – we look forward to it and build it into our calendar on purpose. I have cousins who do the same, sharing mutual friends. Of course, there’s always the exception to the rule and often you hear the case of estranged siblings. And those stories tend to sink our hearts because deep down, we know something broke beyond a friendship gone awry. 

We have these precious early years that kids begin their sibling life, and then we send them off to school to “get socialized” only 18 years later to see that they’ve gravitated toward their sibs again. We spend time teaching kids how to “be a good friend” but what if that wasn’t the starting point? 

If we go digging in the family tree to find we’re all brothers and sisters. We come from the same place, whether you believe that’s Adam and Eve or an ape named Thor. It started somewhere and the rest of history seems to be this awful story of siblings spending more time in rivalry than seeking mutual edification. So if our basis is sibling love, it should extend out to all those with whom we share space. 

Sometimes it’s hard to love your brothers and sisters fully because you know them in their raw form. There’s no dressing them up because we find them in the kitchen with morning breath, at bedtime throwing tantrums and during playtime, stealing toys and teasing you about your name. But when we dig into the hard love, the real love, the honest love, we’re learning a skill for our lifetime (especially if you get married. Doubly so if you have children). 

It’s easy to fake a love for friends or people we see at select times and places. Siblings, however, serve as training ground for living out things like forgiveness, honesty and respect. And when it’s done well, you reap a lifetime of blessing living with family and friendship.