Category: Uncategorized (Page 152 of 188)

we’re entering a series at church of a study of the gospel of mark. this past fall was the NT challenge, and several dedicated individuals in the church read the entire NT in a small number of days. jj and i were not a part of that dedicated crowd, i won’t lie. but i’m very impressed by the people who followed through. now we’re going to slow down just a bit and read the entire gospel (mark’s version) over a period of time. this week’s “homework” was to read the gospel of mark in one sitting. again: failure. i didn’t even get through it in a week. but i did give more of an effort to this assignment then the previous.

part of my problem is that i like to appraise on thoughts as they arrive. when this or that catches my attention, i want to ponder. not necessarily a bad thing, but not conducive to speed reading mark. however, i read much larger chunks than usual, and i’m quite thankful because this post was born.

first was the story of feeding the 5k. it starts by the disciples gathering together with jesus after just having been sent out to do a bunch of ministry – healing, preaching, proclaiming, whathaveyou. they gather together and jesus says, “lets go off by ourselves and rest – we’ve been on the go, you haven’t even had time to eat!” so off they go and, lo and behold, the crowd follows them. then it’s dindin time and they’re hungry.

this was supposed to be a restful retreat with jesus. it was time for the disciples to be fed, not serve as waiters. so i can understand just a little bit of their feeling when they tell jesus, send them home! when jesus asks how much food they have, it’s 5 loaves, 2 fish. not much. but he says to serve it anyway. so they do, and in return there’s a dozen baskets left. more than what they started with.

this is a wonderful story of faith, of serving, of looking beyond what is right in front of you. but i was most caught by the pericope that followed not even a few chapters later. it’s a climatic moment, no doubt, when jesus asks the disciples “who do you think i am?” after Peter answers the Christ, Jesus gives a brief speech. the message puts it like this: Don’t run from suffering, embrace it. Follow me and i’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?

i wonder if the feeding of the 5k (and then later, again, the 4k) was a precursor to what Jesus finally put into words. that the way of a fulfilling life is not self-preservation but self-giving. and there will be times that you’re tired – drained -and feel like people are just sucking the life out of you and now they want dinner. there will be times that you look at what you have to offer and say, it’s not enough.

but jesus says the way to find more is to give it away. by breaking the bread and offering it to others, the disciples ended up with a feast. and isn’t that the way it goes with love? when you preserve and protect you limit the love you are able to recieve.

in our culture today there’s this idea that you “always have to look out for #1.” that if you don’t take care of yourself first, you’re worthless to others. i think there’s a grain of truth there. i’ve been in ministry enough to know that extrovert hangovers exist for a reason. and if you’re not drawing in the water, you can’t pour it out. Jesus was habitually taking care of his own spiritual connection to the father in that he got up every day and prayed alone. he had “me time.” but never at the expense of others. never, when someone needed him, did he say, “you know, i could just use an evening in tonight. raincheck?”

i think about the dryest times in my life and they are, more often than not, also the lonliest. they’re the times that i’m making an attempt to focus on the self. they’re the times that i’m not connected and contributing to anything beyond my tummy or pocketbook. my relationships falter when i begin to think that they’re not serving me enough. but the better friend or wife or mother i try to become to others, the more fulfilling those relationships become.

Two nights in a row now i’ve had to call KLM to brag on my kid. i’ve seen some huge spurts in his development recently – he’s walking across the room, mimicking all kinds of sounds, following direction and generally just communicating with us really well. and he’s so stinkin’ tickled with himself for doing it, which is just out-and-out cute (you know the look… hands tucked under, chin shrugged out, eyes that say, “awww shucks… yeah, it was cute”)

i think every parent brags on their kids (or at least they should – and each should have a friend like KLM who is authentically excited with you), so i’m not outside of normal there. however, in the world of “competitive parenting” it does make things tricky. even if you’re not making comparisons, engaging in that conversation can portray you to be. and it’s extremely difficult not to compare it to your own experiences. i appreciate KLM’s excitment, not just because she knows a lot about development because it’s her job, but because she’s not measuring it to anything but a broad base of experiences – her excitement is not entangled with her perception of her own parenting.

it’s been quite a struggle to watch henry grow over the past year. i get lots and lots of assurances that he will be quite “normal”, that “he’s fine” and that i “worry too much.” those statements might be true (especially the last one), and they are often true about a lot of parents. if it weren’t true about lots of parents, the parenting magazines wouldn’t have anything to put in the articles.

but can i justify myself just a little bit? i think it’s quite a different experience raising a kid who, 10 days after he was born, you were told that he wasn’t “typical.” henry’s hearing loss is nothing like those stories on oprah of “i never thought he’d walk again”, but i’ve never known what it’s like to raise a child without people coming to my house every other week, telling me how to make sure that we’re “on track” and “hitting milestones”. if H develops a new skill, it gets documented and added to records with at least 4 letters acronyming something.

i watched the new fame the other night (quite good if you realize it’s made for a 13-year-old girl); partway through i started thinking about these kids going to an alternative school where the focus was the arts. many of the kids there were quite eccentric. now, being a person with little artistic or musical skill, i get quite jealous. but i started to question myself – how would i deal with having a kid who was, just… different?

and maybe i secretly wanted that for H because then he would be different on the upside rather than the downside. he’d be set apart because of all the talent he has and not the lacking of something else… in this case, several decibles of hearing capacity.

henry really is ok. in the world of issues that kids can have, we’re on the nearly-insignificant side. i do try to keep the big picture in mind. there’s lots of very-normal-ness that comes with this little boy. i will NOT be that mother who demands he get to play his choice of t-ball position because he “has a condition.”

but on the other hand, i know few other parents who are making a priority of practicing their “Ling 6” sounds while playing with toy rings. when their kid hits a big milestone or puts together their first sentance, they’re excited to watch them explore the world in a new way – and not just sighing relief that it did indeed happen in the “normal” range.

KLM told me once that “there’s nothing wrong with henry, there’s just something wrong with his ears” and it’s very true. there’s nothing “wrong” with him. and what if he puts his first sentance together 2 months after the time he’s expected to? this is where i just need to get over (or through) it. i would just celebrate, 2 months later than expected, that my son is experiencing the world in a new way. the point of life isn’t where you fall on the graph, is it? according to miley it’s about “the climb” (can i get some financial endorsements by quoting her twice in one week?). when henry brings home the girl he wants to marry, i’m sure we won’t pull out the IFSP and brag on his age-appropriate development. at least, that’s not the type of mother i want to become.

so, it’s something to work on. we’ll keep doing our ling 6. i’ll keep enjoying it the more and more he mimics and participates. and i’ll keep trying to stop worrying “if this is normal” and i’ll just keep loving on a little boy that brings so much joy just by being who he is. especially when he gets that kackle-like laugh.

but i need to perseverate on farming.
(*dear google, “perseverate” is not in your spell checker. please adjust).

about a week ago i couldn’t sleep for, oh, 4 hours, so i had to just lie there with my thoughts. sometimes this is good company, sometimes bad. this particular evening it resulted in a somewhat random IM conversation with a coworker. it went a little something like this:

Me: i have a non-work related question when you have a chance.
DW: fire away.
Me: what if all the farmers stopped growing soybeans and the feed corn that we don’t eat and instead raised broccoli and green beans?
DW: there would be a total global collapse – why do you ask? (*exact quote)
Me: couldn’t sleep last night. figured you’d prefer i waited until today to ask.
DW: strange things keep you up at night
Me: well, i was thinking about how to explain to the babysitter my weird preferences for feeding henry non-processed foods
DW: I see – so no red meat for Henry. ever.
Me: no, he eats meat. but we bought a local, free range cow.
DW: so you think that cows should eat brocoli?
Me: not necessarily
DW: but without supplemental feeding demand would outwiegh supply
Me: well, we could eat LESS meat
DW: well, maybe YOU could eat less meat. i can’t.

the conversation went on and was quite good about the possible effects of changing farming practices. it should be noted here that the entire conversation was held while i ate dark chocolate m&ms. but here was my main point that caused me to not return to sleep that night: it seems as if our agricultural decisions may, perhaps, be driven only by the dollar and not actual gastronomical needs.

I find it incredibly interesting that a company, such as pepsi (pepsi is always the bad guy because i love diet coke too much) can buy ingredients, such as high fructose corn syrup, which required significant proccessing – aka, labor, technology, packaging, shipping – then put the ingredients together, package, distribute AND STILL purchase million dollar superbowl ad spots while only charging $1 for its product (and note, you can buy that product in jumbo 2-liter size or in handy 20-oz gas station size, all for same said low price. what a sham!). $1! but say you’d like a bag of grapes. no packaging other than a plastic baggie, and the last time i saw a grape commercial was… *cricket, cricket.* DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH A BAG OF GRAPES CAN BE? i have a fb “friend” who quoted a price that was well-over several 2-liters.

Now, i grew up “down on the farm.” My college education was purchased in beans and i’m appreciative. but that doesn’t mean i can’t question the system. a large majority of midwestern farmers grow corn, used primarily for feeding livestock, or soybeans- and until my sister had a brief stint of vegetarianism, i had no idea what THOSE were used for. but they’re everywhere. so why do we grow them? a brief (but work-time, so limited) google search points some fingers at government subsidies, and my buddy Michael Pollen might agree (from the tone of his writing). but what if… WHAT IF we grew broccoli and green beans instead? foods that people actually eat to nourish their bodies.

it was at least 4 hours i didn’t sleep, so i can keep going. i even thought through the logistics. i’m not sure a combine (the noun, not the verb, for you cityfolk) would be useful in harvesting broccoli, but it could still work with green beans. then there are the veggies that require digging – such as potatoes. but isn’t this an opportunity for technology to be birthed? to come up with a way to harvest healthy foods that don’t come at the expense of 12-year-old minimum wage hands? (though i would argue that our society’s kids could use a little more manual labor through adolescence).

i’m thinking of my own hometown now. what if all the farmers took some time off of corn and beans and instead raised fruits and veggies. now, DW is correct – the cows would go hungry. but those are typically industry farm cattle where the cows aren’t that happy living in a 2×2 square, so let’s just stop mass producing our meat (and trying to make it bigger and more cost efficent by altering the hormones God gave it). i think we could do a little less in our diet. even the FDA says that an actual serving of beef is the size of a deck of cards, not a steak the size of a serving platter. i’ve read “somewhere” (bad blogger! not giving references! i’m guessing Runners World) that going veg 2 of 3 meals or 4 of 7 days a week is very restful and healthy. and since we’d be farming broccoli, there would be plenty of that to fill the plate.

So, that’s just one sleepless night in the world of me. i hope tonight the sandman makes another visit. this is just too much.