Category: Uncategorized (Page 145 of 188)

A few things I can be grateful for on this beautiful day:

1. onions and garlic sprouting through
2. a honey-do list with items crossed off
3. a brisk walk around the neighborhood in the new wagon
4. chicken soak, perfectly grilled by the hubby
5. half the workload awaiting me tomorrow
6. washing the well-played-in dirt from tiny little hands
7. shorts and snips. pregnancy is better in hot weather clothes
8. dogs lounging, worn out from attention and exercise
9. new daffodils and tulips to put in the ground (half off!)
10. ice cream and a basketball game on the agenda for the night
11. a kid still awake because he doesn’t want the day to end. neither do i.

Honestly, I’m not much of a green thumb. It might have a greenish-hue, but but definately not the caliber of many of my friends and coworkers with whom I tend to chat gardenish conversation. However, I do really enjoy working the the flower beds and garden and recently I did my first trimming of the rose bushes out front.

I find it quite amazing each spring to see the new life spring forth from the dead branches. Just a month ago I was about ready to trim the entire bushes down to stubs in hopes that something would grow. However, I let my patience work its way out (ok, really It was probably more of a laziness factor in getting outside and making it happen, but patience is such a “virtue” and laziness such a “vice” that we’ll go with patience) and now I’m seeing green.

I went ahead and trimmed off the dead ends and leaves today, careful to keep away from that which was sprouting. I did a bit of reflecting on the fact that the dead stuff is gone, but yet new life has come to replace it. The same flower doesn’t come back as last year, but that which gives it life brings about something new. Even more incredible is the fact that from a dead branch comes more life than what it held last year. There are twice the branches with new buds than with old, dead blooms.

Really, I don’t think it was a mistake that the crucifixion and resurrection happened in the spring… Jesus’ life is such a beautiful illustration of new life coming forth out of death and barrenness. That from death comes life, and life abundant. I believe it’s John’s gospel that speaks of the need for a seed to die in the ground before a new plant comes forth; that the cold, bitter times of winter and deadness are there but spring always follows with new life. It’s hard to think of the spring in the midst of winter… and there are times that you can’t really recall how green the grass is come April. But it arrives and we’re reminded of the realness of something we call hope.

Today I started to train my replacement for when I go on maternity leave. He’s an absolutely great worker and I have 100% trust that the efforts I’ve put in the past 6 months will not be for waste. I actually used to share a cube wall with him and he wowed me with his skills in dealing with managers, so I’m pretty excited that I can leave my GY men in good hands.

That being said, it’s incredibly strange to begin the process of winding down and phasing out. When we’ve discussed the plan for Mike to fully integrate I felt… very… disposed? It’s strange to think that in a few weeks life will look very different. I’ll start the day with Matt Lauer and facebook instead of hiring managers and 80 slate emails. I’ll tell time based on a baby’s eating schedule and not my calls or meetings.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m super excited about a break from the rat race. I don’t want to be perceived as complain-y about the opportunity to stay home with my chilluns. I understand this is a gift, a privilege, and not a right. But if I’m to be honest – and that’s a goal of what I do on here – there’s some apprehension in my heart.

I’ve been living this busy worker bee life mostly because I had to. It turns out that the gas company does want paid, even if my hubby is a full-time student. Even after #1 was born and I anticipated returning only part time, I ended up with a 40-hour work week because it kept us out of debt. In the process, I was offered a gift: I found out that I was good at something. Yes! Me.

I’ve been placed on an awesome team of coworkers who have continued to build my confidence toward a task that I had no previous experience. The feedback I get is positive. While definately making mistakes along the way (say, like hiring a convicted felon that wasn’t eligible to be hired), I found out that on the whole, this position – this work – suited me. Or I it.

I think deep down there’s a terror that I won’t be as good at being an at-home mom as I am a CRM. I mean, honestly, I already know that there are areas of the mom job description where I’m lacking both skill and experience. This isn’t a self-deprecating comment – it’s an honest evaluation of what I know I have to offer the kids on a day-in and day-out basis.

I’m not silly. I don’t come up with imaginative games on the spot. I have no idea what kind of new activities will entertain easily or for long periods of time. Of all things, “play” is not my forte. And let’s not forget my extremely short rope of patience.

Thankfully I have the blessing of building in some variety. I’m lucky to have a job that I can return to in a true part-time role. I’m thinking of splitting my week, so just working 15-20 hours; a few days. This will combat the temptation to see time as mundane and also give me a chance to interact with people who use multi-syllable words. But at that capacity, gone will be my opportunity to do the type of work that I’m going to be leaving behind in a few short weeks.

So I think this is a bit fair for me to be saddened by my ousting, even if it is for good reason. When you like something, it’s disappointing to leave it, even when you’re looking forward to what you get in exchange. It’s not that one life is better or worse than the other, it’s just different. A different pace, a different skill set, a different return-on-investment.

Perhaps with an appropriate chance at “mourning”, if you will, I’ll be able then to fully anticipate and look forward to all that summer has in store for us as an entire family.