Category: Uncategorized (Page 133 of 188)

While I did take spring quarter of my senior year to play and not take classes, I mostly saw it as a reward for getting all my coursework done in a prompt and efficient manner. However, most of those 10 weeks were spent either shredding paperwork (I worked for a lawyer very, very part time) or looking for jobs. While I schlepped through March, April and May, I knew that come June I needed to have something in place for “next steps.” Granted, returning home was an option – I did so immediately following graduation – but it took me no time at all to get the apartment after securing my first job. I am very grateful for the hospitality the ‘rents showed, but I was also ready to let those wings do a bit of flapping. Since then my parentals have helped me out of a jam or two and, in general are excellent supporting roles in my life.

The NY times will be releasing a piece over the weekend about the elongation of the formative years, that space of time between child’s life and adulthood. That gap between tree houses and home mortgages. Now, this is something that youth directors have been talking about for years (literally. I think I first heard it at a YS in 2006 and I’m NEVER that on top of things), the idea that HS or even college graduation isn’t any longer the step off point into adulthood. In my father’s day, at 18 years old you were heading to college, joining the military or getting a job. Now, very few 20-somethings are faced with sink or swim dilemmas. And yes, this does include my age bracket – I did, after all, marry a boomerang kid. 

So the conversation I had recently with a friend of my father’s jumped out at me with this background in place. K would be entering his sophomore year in college but has opted not to return this fall – he is itching to enlist in the military. And not just any military – the jump-out-of-planes, deployed-ASAP Marines military. Needless to say, his parents are less than thrilled.

I say this ignoring the political context; I (and K’s parents) have the utmost respect for those entering the military, those sacrificing so much for the freedoms we enjoy. K’s parents don’t believe they are “above” those parents who have someone on the front lines. But that doesn’t’ mean they’re rushing him to the recruiter’s office. This is a very mature decision to make and K’s parents worry that he doesn’t truly understand what it means when he signs on the dotted line.

So my questions. Is K mature enough to make such a decision? He’s lived a pretty cushy life, his parents have provided him with numerous amenities growing up, he lives a very safely with few things that challenge him. He’s a bright kid. But coasting through schoolwork and understanding the practical meaning of life and death aren’t necessarily on the same page.

And then: if K isn’t mature enough to make such a decision – if he really doesn’t “get it”, what he’s signing up for – then who’s fault is that? And I’m not going to take the easy route and say it’s his folks. I don’t think they’ve done much out of the norm in the situation. And they haven’t taken this direction in a vacuum. Our society has its ways of influencing and convincing us of what “normal” is.

I hope that, no matter what decision K comes to, he is safe where ever he might go. I hope that he leans on wisdom beyond himself and his peers when he weighs his options. I pray that the appeal of excitement, when compared to the stack of textbooks, isn’t the only voice he hears.

But I also hope that he doesn’t simply do what he’s told. I hope this decision isn’t yet another example the sociologists might cite in the epidemic of kids who don’t seem to grow up. I hope this is another step toward independence, understanding himself, and living the best possible version of himself.

If someone were to try and gather all the women in the country and have feminist convention on the left and a more “traditionalist” convention on the right, I would probably decide which doors to pass through based upon the menu – who had the best desert. Or swag. I’ll join anyone’s club for a free piece of published material. I’ve never been real partial to either group and will generally find stance opposing the current conversation partner simply to keep it interesting. I used to sit much further to one side, but exposure to multiple voices has led me to be a very content fence sitter.

A recent read plus life situations has really led me to a new appreciation of these voices. I’ve been raised in an era where girls can sing “anything you can do I can do better…” without a lot of fear of criticism. At least, I have. The ladies of my time have been told we can do anything we want to. Many have. I’m sure that had I wanted to enlist in the military, my lack of phallic organ would not have been the first reason people tried to sway me away; it would likely have something to do with my unhealthy relationship with comfy pants and facebook or my dislike for people yelling at me. But I’ve not encountered anything really being off-limits due to my femininity.

This all came at the cost of the generations of women who have been told the very opposite message than mine.  I once sat through a UM Polity class focused on “women in the ministry.” I was asked if I wanted to be a part of the panel, but felt I had nothing to really contribute. It was a good decision – the stories that the many other women shared offered so much perspective. They provided the narrative so that I could really understand the freedoms I have today and how they came to be.

Recently I read a book that, combined with my current situations, has also brought a lot of appreciation to my current Beautiful Struggle. I stumbled upon Not Becoming My Mother, in which the author tells the story of her mother and the way the author was shaped by her mother’s shortcomings and failures. It’s a quick little read (I’m positive my cousin EW could finish it in the time I skim through People Magazine) and I highly recommend it. I felt like I was reading the diary of several women I know (probably because the book was structured after the author’s mother’s diary. Fancy that coincidence).

The book starts out talking about the era of many bright, intelligent, motivated and talented women who spent most of their lives bored to death because they weren’t to work unless the husband was unable to provide (and what husband wants that to get out?). Many enjoyed exciting careers until marriage when they “settled down” to tend to the home. The author’s mother gave into so many of these expectations, putting aside aspirations of medical school in exchange for her own mother’s desires for a ph.d in music. She married, had children and became equally miserable and atrocious at the homemaking. She longed for thoughtful conversation and greater purpose. In the end, the author could vocalize her own appreciation for her mother, that her mother’s misery had led her not to simply accept what was expected and to explore her own route.

As our babysitter recently retired (it sounds so sharp to say “quit” and we’re on much better terms than what that might indicate), I find myself dancing between two circles. On the one side I hear the voices of the women who long for meaningful conversation and purpose, to be a mother but also to be “more” than that alone. I feel that a particular friend has really found her happy groove with a recent promotion, and she does this with a congruent happy and healthy relationship with her little girl – she’s a fantastic mother. So many times I think, “I want that. I could have that.”  On the other side, I hear the inner voice reminding me how I want to be the one to help H overcome his hitting stage, how I desire to nurse M until she’s older, how I want to be a part of my childrens’ days and not just bedtimes.

It’s a difficult struggle, and I’m sure I’ll never find perfect resolution. The grass will always be greener. However, right now I can truly appreciate my freedom to struggle. For so many, there was never a question. There was never a decision to be made. Their struggle wasn’t an inner battle, trying to make the best decision based on all known factors; theirs was an outward struggle for the right to make the decision for themselves, with their families. So as I bounce back and forth, weighing all options, I will lift my morning cup of coffee to them who paved the way to a beautiful struggle. I’m fortunate today that I have such a difficult balance to maintain.

Life has significantly changed since my last milestone marker post. For example:

• JJ started his job at a school and has been gone every day. A regular paycheck will commence!
• Our babysitter decided it was best if she not keep the kids once school starts (so….)
• I am changing my availability to work one day a week and 2 evenings, thus preparing to stay home with the kids a majority of the time. Yowsers! 

I have more mental preparation to fully comprehend the implications of these changes, but the kids just keep on growing and developing day by day like always.

H Boy (21 months)

• The two word phrases have started! Yesterday, when the dog pooped by the door, it was “doggy yucky” (so proud of him for staying in the garage while I cleaned up! I was scared he might decide to draw in it like he does his milk when he spills it on the high chair). Today was “baby night night” and “coffee hot”. Other words making a regular appearance in the vernacular: down, sissy, more (the word, not just the sign), car, truck, tractor, moo. And belly button (complete with a visual aide).
• The other day he picked up an airplane and said, “aaagghhh” which is the Ling 6 sound we attached to it in his speech therapy. All unprovoked. My boy’s wicked smart. 
• The other day he helped make breadcrumbs by breaking up the heels and tossing them in the cuisenart (he was far enough that he couldn’t reach the blade, no worries). Cooking remains one of his favorite extra-curriculars.
• JUMPING. This kid can jump. His favorite way is from a carpet square onto the floor (a whole .5 inches) and into mommy or daddy’s lap. That cousin Jack has been quite the influence.
• Oh, the joys of unprovoked kisses. Sometimes he’ll just crawl into your lap and give a smootch. THIS is why I’m a mom. 
• And how can I not mention his prodigy-like accuracy and speed when throwing a ball? Cousin Charlie found that out the hard way (but, fortunately, was a good sport about it). 
• He’s also been quite the super helper. He will throw anything away when asked. Sometimes when not asked. 

Miss M (4 months)

• Oh, this girl’s a talker (I have NO idea where she gets it). Lots of cooing and cackling and oooohhhhh-ing. Sometimes when she’s supposed to be falling asleep…
• She’s not a lazy girl, either. LOVES to sit up and stand up on your lap. Her and daddy like to play the sit-down-stand-up game. Oh, the smiles abound. 
• She’s eating like crazy, growing like a weed. We’re well into the 3-6 month clothes. I think she might be amid a growth spurt currently as she’s now added a wake up time in the middle of the night, when she cannot be consoled without a snack. She made up for it today when she let me sleep until 7. I felt like a new woman! 
• She’s getting to be a pro at getting her fingers or thumb in her mouth, except, to our dismay, when in the crib. We’re encouraging this. You don’t have to chase a finger down in the middle of the night when it drops from the mouth. 
• Still only a weekly power poop. This week grandma M was the lucky target. Well, that and the exersaucer. I guess I should’ve warned grandma that if she’s like her mommy, that excer-anything will provoke a poo. Whoops, was that an overshare? 

JJ is starting to find his groove in the new job; there has been so much uncertainty surrounding what the job would entail and now he’s getting a feel for it. I still feel like this is quite a year for opportunity on his part, we just have to let it bloom. He’s not going to be coaching, but I’m sure we’ll be in attendance for a few games. His softball season has finally wrapped up, the house is painted and he feels quite accomplished. At least, I hope he does. That was quite a summer.

Give me another week or 2 and we’ll check back in about how I feel about this home-during-the-day thing. I think I’ll enlist the help of my early childhood friends and come up with some plans of things to do. Otherwise the 3 of us will just sit around in our jammies and wallow in filth because I’ll just think, “well, I could do that tomorrow.” I am really hoping that other opportunities could arise from the situation centered around the things I love to do the most. I think that will be dependent, again, on my motivation factor. And how well the kids nap at the same time.