Michele Minehart

words & yoga

Page 3 of 304

Here, kitty, kitty

When we lived together, Kristy had a cat named Ned. My archenemy. I’ve never loved cats (like most people who are allergic), but Ned made it easy for that slight disfavor to evolve into an extreme dislike. He was loud, and when Kristy left for a period of time, he got louder. He was a moody kitty, and he gave me the attention of a 7th grade bully – frequent, and not in a loving manner.

While Ned was his own kind of cat, he wasn’t unlike cats in general. My friend Patty once told the most hilarious story of her dad wishing they had a dog, but having a cat instead, and trying to teach it to walk on a leash. They simply don’t do that. They don’t have the obedience and lovable nature of a dog. A person who loves cats tends to love the unloveable. (The world needs more of these people! I’m just not one of them.)

To be fair, let me give the positive qualities of cats:

1) They catch mice. I might be convinced of a barn cat for this reason, once we get  barn.
2) They always come back. In fact, it’s common knowledge that if you don’t want a stray to return, you have to turn off that compassion and the temptation to provide a meal, because if you do, congratulations, you now have a kitty. My sister just bought a house that came with a cat because the former owner fed it a time or two and now she gets to buy the kibble.

Today is one of those days where I’ll be parenting solo for the majority, on the verge of a week where I’ll be parenting solo for the entirety. I’m thrilled that JJ will get to enjoy experiences he loves – and we all know he puts up with my own tendencies to leave for an adventure or two. Yet even before I went to bed, my mental state began to shift as it does in these times: preserve and endure. Make it through without going mad.

There’s a space for survival mentality, for sure. And there’s nothing wrong with hoping to preserve your own sanity. Yet, as I woke and turned to a poem by Victoria Erickson (a new favorite; I’m reading Rhythms and Roads), she had words for me:

“when you give this day all the courage, love and intensity you can.”

I have to admit, those words to not reflect the way I tend to approach my days of solo parenting. I don’t bravely face the challenge or seek the potential joy. Which, perhaps, is why I tend to never find it.

Maybe joy is a little like the stray kitty. When you feed him, he’ll keep showing up. 

You see, I tend to conserve. Any leftovers go back in the fridge, “just in case.” On these days, and in these situations, I don’t have the generosity of spirit to be tossing my scraps into a bowl on the back porch to tempt joy my way, which might just be the reason that nothing appears.

And why wouldn’t I be tempting joy my way? My girl, Brene (when you quote her enough, you get to be on a first name basis, even if she doesn’t know your name), says joy is one of the most vulnerable emotions we experience. To abandon yourself to love – to open so completely to another, or to a situation – can feel overwhelmingly vulnerable, which is why it’s easier to slip into my preferred method of Survival. If you don’t open yourself to joy, it won’t reject you, right?

So my tendency to shut out joy like a stray cat hasn’t served me well. My days of survival will end exactly as I direct them, with exhaustion and, likely, frustration. A day filled with joy will also likely end with exhaustion, but wouldn’t I rather live with the tiredness that comes from showing up, engaging, and loving? I can tell you, I would. I do.

Just because I have this habit doesn’t mean I have to continue in its pattern. So here’s to bravely showing up to joy, today. With all the courage, love and intensity you can. The day awaits.

Here, kitty kitty.

Funerals and Musicals

It’s no secret that our family hates October. Actually, I feel a large proportion of Upper Sandusky hates it. Everything dies in October; the leaves and the the people we love.

I’m not sure if the Star Players, the local community theater group, intentionally chose October as the season for their annual all-ages musical, but if they did: genius. It’s exactly what we need. Not just to “take our minds off of things” or to “numb the pain.” Of course, escaping into a story for a few hours is a good way to set down our grief for a moment, but it’s more than an epidural for our funeral season.

Watching the leads yesterday finish the first act in complete harmony, my eyes automatically started watering. The tears returned when the whole chorus set into a song about being our weird selves – and not just because I identified personally as a misfit. I watched the Pinocchio character step into his role and show no restraint. He lived and danced into his character fully and it. was. beautiful. The Sugar Plum Fairy danced big and loud and you could see something come alive in her eyes that radiated all the way down from her soul.

I’ve yet to go to a community theater production and not cry at the curtain call. Not because I’m reliving my stage life (because I don’t have one) but because of the connection it evokes. There’s nothing I love more than seeing people live their gifts so feely. Community theater is unpaid and under-appreciated, yet these folks show up for the rehearsals, put in the hours for practice, and subject themselves to critics and criticism.

All for the sake of beauty.

Their voices, their acting, their delivery of certain lines of comedy isn’t something that can be mass produced and easily found. They conjured that up from deep inside and then shared it with the world. It’s as if they were willing to dig into the muck in which we wade and pull out the treasure chest of jewels and hold them up to everyone willing to show up for a $15 ticket and say, “See! It’s here! There is beauty among us!”

Despite what I feel right now about the month of October, this world does hold so much beauty.

I see it in the parents who gather together to send their children off to homecoming.  There is so much beauty, not just in the kids cleaning up and dressing fancy, but in the shared sense of Where did time go? How did s/he grow up so fast? amid the excitement.

And even in the heartache, I see a beauty in the full-force recollection of one of our community’s favorite educators as we learned of his passing. The shared grief reveals a certain element of connection as people light the darkness with their individual memories of a shared beloved. Each comment, each photo, each quote is a candle, held high.

I’m reading Brene Brown’s newest, Braving the Wilderness, and she writes about these elements of Inextricable Connection (emphasis mine):

All of these examples of collective joy and pain are sacred experiences. They are so deeply human that they cut through our differences and tap into our hardwired nature. These experiences tell us what is true and possible about the human spirit. We need these moments with strangers as reminders that despite how much we might dislike someone on Facebook or even in person, we are still inextricably connected.

Perhaps that’s the lesson of this particular October. Not just that it continues to be a terrible time, but that it can be terrible for all of us and we can share in it’s terribleness. Perhaps it’s the brokenness of this season that binds us together, forming its own kind of beauty.

The Secret to a Happy Birthday (and maybe life)

It’s my birthday week, yet it’s also October.  Because it’s not a “big” number, the celebrations this year are low-key: Drinks with the girls, dinner with the hubs, pumpkins with the kids – such things are perfectly fitting for 37.

For not the first time, I declared my own birthday celebration with a few friends. I made a FB event and invited handfuls of friends to join me for wine. Some of them can make it; some cannot. Amid the apologies from the ones who have to miss out, I shared with a few of them this secret: I don’t take it personally.

You see, I only invited people who I already know like me. I do not question their love. Their attendance, or lack thereof, is not a statement about me or even our relationship. It’s a reflection of their state of life right now.  I want to be a good friend, one that understands, rather than being someone who wages an imaginary competition for their attention.

Life is so much easier – so much better – when I recognize how little is actually about me. Sure, I put my name on the birthday invite, but how a person responds isn’t about me. I don’t have to take everything personally. 

My friends, when I stop taking it personally, I am free. When I stop using others’ actions as a measuring stick of my own worth, I can feel infinite amounts of love. My identification with love, my knowledge that I am loved, comes from something bigger than birthday attendance.  Sure, it might be a way I can feel love, it can be an experience of love, but it’s not the source. So even if only one person could join me on the Friday of the Birthday Weekend, I can still feel secure and feel love. Love doesn’t come from people, it comes through them.

So as for me and my birthday, I’ll feel the love of some friends from afar; and I’ll see the love of other friends from across the table. I will find the source of love by turning my attention to it rather than expecting others to fulfill it. And I’ll feel free to accept love in all it’s forms of delivery.

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