Category: listening (Page 2 of 2)

Learning our words

Mr. M entered that frustrating stage of toddlerhood where the language input is a vast playland, but the verbal output is excruciatingly minimal. “Ungh” and “eeeeehhhhhh!” apparently have two separate meanings but those meanings can evolve based on circumstance. Understanding early toddler language is worse than learning English as a second language. Using sign language as a bridge is helpful, but overall I feel as if I should be able to list “translator” on my resume following the job of raising non-verbal humans.


A while back, one of the children came home complaining that a boy at school had been kicking during meeting time. We talked about the appropriate course of action – asking politely to stop, getting the teacher to help. In this case, both of those avenues had been pursued. “Why would he hurt us?” they asked.

Well, I said, sometimes kids need something and they don’t know how to ask. Sometimes they don’t even know what they need, they just feel like someone needs to give them something, so they use whatever is available. Sometimes that means people hit or use unkind words, or don’t use words at all.


 

I wish these were isolated incidents. Yet life seems to be about learning our needs and how to express them in a way that actually fulfills them. How often do I crave connection and try to find it in the bag of Peanut M&Ms? Or seek approval through making loud and inconsiderate comments? What I’m asking for is love, but I never use those words.

What if we began to see all of the ways in which people simply don’t use the proper words? The rude person behind us in the checkout line. The irate driver in the lane behind us. The explosive father. The overly-involved mother of the playgroup. The disengaged husband. The drunk neighbor.*

We’re all seeking something and often it takes a lifetime to figure out both what it is and how to ask it of others. Our frustration grows as they don’t respond appropriately, giving us more milk instead of green beans, but we only have the sign for “more” and “more” of what remains a mystery.

Back in the day, my partner-in-crime, Kristy, would reach a point of stress and frustration and turn to me and say, “what I need for you to do for me is…” and she laid out exactly what was expected of me. Sometimes it was “5 minutes of quiet” or “carry this box to the other room.” Imagine if we all utilized this skill? Mommy, what I need for you to do for me is give me a hug. Dear, what I need for you to do for me is keep the kids for 2 hours so I can remember my personhood outside of their existence. Church friend, what I need for you to do for me is express you’ve forgiven me in a way that I can move on without always feeling I “owe” you.

Let us learn our words.  Let us be patient with those who don’t know them yet. And let us teach others how to use them.

Brittany Spears, Dating and Hearing God

My junior year of college I took a class on the History of the Jewish Holocaust, by far the most enriching of my college career. Because I’m a nerd, I typically arrived early. Over time I chatted with fellow nerd and nice guy, Merrill. He was in J-school and we’d shared a few other classes. 

One particular day I was reading The Post and saw a review of the Brittany Spears movie and made some comment. Merrill inquired if I was going to watch it. “HA! No, thank you. I don’t think she has much talent in her original trade, let alone acting,” I said (or something similarly snarky). 
Later – and not just later that day. Like several days later. I’m a quick one – I recollected the conversation to realize he hadn’t asked if I was going to watch the movie – he asked did I want to go see the movie
Like, with him
Oops. So that explains the awkward change in conversational tone in the days following. 
I totally rejected him without even knowing or intending to do so. I’m one of the few people I know who can get asked out and not even realize it. (If you’ve done this, please share in the comments of the blog. Please let me know I’m not alone). The funny thing is: I totally would have said yes. He was a nice guy and I didn’t keep a long list or potential suitors. I would have enjoyed an evening out, even if spent with Brittany Spears. 
I have to wonder: have I ever done this to God? Have I ever thought he was saying one thing, only to give a completely sarcastic response? Have I missed what He asks me to do because I think the task sounds ridiculous?

Probably. That’s because I’m so focused on the activity. I doubt Merrill really wanted to see Brittany Spears, though perhaps he was a closet fan. The invitation wasn’t one of content, but one of relationship. 
“God doesn’t speak to me,” I hear people say. Well, perhaps that’s because we think that when he asks us to go somewhere, you laugh in his face. Perhaps you think it’s about the task before you rather than the person beside you. We don’t hear what He’s truly asking. 
I don’t advocate adapting a Yes, Man attitude – we need not do everything asked of us, just like I wouldn’t date any ol’ fella. But how many good and worthy requests slip by us unnoticed because we roll our eyes at the prospect of an evening spent doing that?
Let us be listeners, not just about the task at hand, but of the voice who is inviting us to share the experience. 

bathtime reading

from bonhoeffer’s life together.

“but he who can no longer listen to his brother will soon be no longer listening to God either; he will be doing nothing but prattle in the presence of God, too. this is the beginning of the death of the spiritual life, and in the end there is nothing left but spiritual chatter and clerical condescension arrayed in pious words. One who cannot listen long and patiently will presently be talking beside the point and never be never really speaking to others, albeit he not be conscious of it. Anyone who thinks that his time is too valuable to spend keeping quiet will eventually have no time for God and his brother, but only time for himself and his own follies.”

wow, if that isn’t a slap across my cheek. but i’ve been the bratty daughter who probably deserved it. def something to add to my list of needed improvements.

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