Now Hiring

I really only make 2 things in life: babies and ideas. They’re my best assets. I was basically raised to sit around and have ideas. In fact, I bet my first words were, “A guy ought to…” However, ideas  generally stay in my head or perhaps escape in a very excited voicemail and then are left to die with the wind. So sad. Good bye, genius idea!

Source: commons.wikimedia.org

On the off chance that I might ever get my brilliance to take the form of a physical representation in society, the first person I would hire with my newly minted millions is the gal who would make my next 15 ideas work. (Or at least a portion of them.)  Let’s face it, I would probably be Kristy. But she won’t want to move, so I will have to put out an ad on Craigslist. I swear, I could change the world if I could just find someone to make my ideas actually happen – to come up with the actual thing. Don’t worry, I’ll be a part of it. I’ll go on Shark Tank and defend it.

The entire prospect of finding me a Doer led me to ponder what else I might outsource with said millions. So I composed a brief list.

1. Personal Dresser. This has already been established.

2. Personal Assessorizor. Once I’m in the clothes I wear the same scarf or red necklace every day. Can someone please tell me what socks are acceptable for these flats?

3. Personal Gas Attendant. It takes no less than 962 buttons to buy a tank of gas. If you’re an Mperks member, add 14 more. This person doesn’t have to ride around with me or anything, just show up at the gas station at the appointed time so I don’t have to get out of my car.

4. Gardner. I know, a throwback to the 1960s. Or the 2000’s if you live in Genoa City with the Newmans. In either case, I love fresh veggies and despise weeding. JJ remarked again this summer that my participation in the care of the food patch has decreased exponentially every year. This year I couldn’t write it off to pregnancy or that I just gave birth, so he caught me.

5. Hearing aid battery replacer. I swear I’ve spent a good year of my life finding and replacing batteries for the things. The oldest is almost to the self-care point where he can be responsible, but every few weeks I’m reminded once again that “these don’t work!”

6. Personal Phone Call Maker. To the doctor. To the mechanic. To the hairdresser. (Scratch that! Ruby’s does online appointments! Also, it’s a Beauty Revolution. Go there, my friends.) The act of quieting my children and waiting patiently for someone to answer my questions requires more patience than I can muster sometimes.

7. Personal photographer and digital memory organizer. First, I don’t have pictures of my family because I never take them. And once I do, I put them in one of 132 places in my digital world. So if someone could just come and snap our finest memories and then put them in an easy-to-understand format, I would be so endeared. Actually, make sure you also monitor for Shutterfly coupons and print off some for free every time we get a coupon, and then put them into albums. (I actually asked for this for Christmas one year and was utterly disappointed when no albums were under the tree. And we only had 2 kids at that point. Making up for lost time would be a nightmare.)

So, what say you? What jobs will you outsource with your imaginary millions?