Dear Creator of Heaven, Earth & the Birthing Process,

What a wonderful miracle you’ve created, this idea that little ol’ me can participate in creating and growing something. In my own body. I mean, geez, there’s something in my body right now that isn’t really me but it has it’s own heart and legs and brain and lungs and circulatory system. And soon (please, very soon) it will operate on its own based on the functioning of those said systems. The whole idea overwhelms me. It’s more humbling than an iPhone (and, come on – thousands of songs and shows, in your pocket? While you check your email? Craziness). So, I begin by first giving props at the overall amazingness known as gestation. 
But after a few rounds, I’ve come up with a list of suggestions. You know, “opportunities for growth” and the what not. If I may, I’d like to share a few. 
1. Great job on the gaining weight thing so that I can sneak in a few extra helpings of dessert. However, could we install some safeguard to ensure that those extra 25-30 lbs come back off again? Like, during that whole miserable birthing process? No one really wants to wear the maternity clothes home from the hospital. Kinda a cheap shot. 
2. Starting the endeavor with something as awesome as sex? Genius. Providing scientific evidence that the same thing would help at the end of the process, when one totes a large watermelon over the gut? Not as helpful. Also, I think this disproves some sort of feminist theory on your “nature” and sides with the menfolk on this one. (I also secretly think some male scientist developed and “proved” this theory. This scientist probably had 18 children and hated the no-sex-for-6-week rule and so he came up with this work-around instead). 
3. Hormones. Can we please work it both ways? I’ll endure the random plights of tears if you could also allow for sudden outbursts of laughter. I mean, how many kudos would you get when people commonly would say, “everything is funnier when you’re pregnant!”?
4. Inducing labor. Other than the suggestion of #2 above, the other recommendations include walking (again, with said watermelon toting) or consuming something that sounds like it goes on an engine (what is castor oil really for, anyway?). I believe a fair and reasonable list of options should include: 
  • Massage
  • Chocolate
  • Ice cream
  • Chocolate ice cream
  • Naps
Like I said, you’ve done a great job with the concept. I just believe the 2G might sell a bit better. Something to consider when you’re looking at the bottom line and the needs of your customers. 
Sincerely, 
A loyal participant
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