I’ve made mention of my lack of fashionability. I’m okay with the fact that when my friends want to go glam, they don’t typically call me for advice. They’d be more likely to call for advice on, say… how to roast a chicken. Or the current developments and trends surrounding food scarcity and waste. Or breastfeeding. I tend to do a lot of breastfeeding.
But looking good? One might be impressed by my latest bag I picked up at… Target. That is, when I get flashy enough to leave the county to make such a purchase.
And now that the bar is set low in terms of expectations, let me just express my sheer hatred of maternity clothes. We’ve had a lot of developments in the past decade, many significant contributions to society. I now think it’s time that someone that knows how to wield a pin and needle spend some time on the wears of women in my frequent condition.
I’ve found a few categories of maternity clothes:
1. Jeans and hoodie. This method of dressing is limited to, oh, not 90-degree weather, but it’s my preferred choice.
2. Ugly. Seriously, who decided that maternity clothes needed to look so… maternal? I’ve never owned so many pastels. I’m surprised that more of the stuff doesn’t feature applicque (um, sorry Google Chrome, but that IS a word) or cartoon characters. If not donning an ugly print, my shirt just hangs wanefully from my enormous belly. At least half of the tops aren’t “maternity” but an XXL that has an “M” on the tag instead. I have a tent in the garage that fits better than the dress I wore to Easter sunrise service.
3. They just don’t fit. Most of the shorts I own make my buns look like “two pigs fightin’ under a blanket” (2 points if you can name that movie!). My pants from yesterday nearly turned off the circulation to my legs if I sat upright.
OK, that’s enough whinyness for now. I’ll go dry my hair and go to work where people can look at me with pity over the clothing selection I must clearly be up against. I consider this a public service announcement, a little bit of Calamine lotion for my sister and whoever else might be trying not to scratch an itch.
Tune in next time when I let the opinion fly on children’s clothing. Really, who thought a collar on a baby’s pajamas would be an improvement?