winding down // gearing up

Today I started to train my replacement for when I go on maternity leave. He’s an absolutely great worker and I have 100% trust that the efforts I’ve put in the past 6 months will not be for waste. I actually used to share a cube wall with him and he wowed me with his skills in dealing with managers, so I’m pretty excited that I can leave my GY men in good hands.

That being said, it’s incredibly strange to begin the process of winding down and phasing out. When we’ve discussed the plan for Mike to fully integrate I felt… very… disposed? It’s strange to think that in a few weeks life will look very different. I’ll start the day with Matt Lauer and facebook instead of hiring managers and 80 slate emails. I’ll tell time based on a baby’s eating schedule and not my calls or meetings.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m super excited about a break from the rat race. I don’t want to be perceived as complain-y about the opportunity to stay home with my chilluns. I understand this is a gift, a privilege, and not a right. But if I’m to be honest – and that’s a goal of what I do on here – there’s some apprehension in my heart.

I’ve been living this busy worker bee life mostly because I had to. It turns out that the gas company does want paid, even if my hubby is a full-time student. Even after #1 was born and I anticipated returning only part time, I ended up with a 40-hour work week because it kept us out of debt. In the process, I was offered a gift: I found out that I was good at something. Yes! Me.

I’ve been placed on an awesome team of coworkers who have continued to build my confidence toward a task that I had no previous experience. The feedback I get is positive. While definately making mistakes along the way (say, like hiring a convicted felon that wasn’t eligible to be hired), I found out that on the whole, this position – this work – suited me. Or I it.

I think deep down there’s a terror that I won’t be as good at being an at-home mom as I am a CRM. I mean, honestly, I already know that there are areas of the mom job description where I’m lacking both skill and experience. This isn’t a self-deprecating comment – it’s an honest evaluation of what I know I have to offer the kids on a day-in and day-out basis.

I’m not silly. I don’t come up with imaginative games on the spot. I have no idea what kind of new activities will entertain easily or for long periods of time. Of all things, “play” is not my forte. And let’s not forget my extremely short rope of patience.

Thankfully I have the blessing of building in some variety. I’m lucky to have a job that I can return to in a true part-time role. I’m thinking of splitting my week, so just working 15-20 hours; a few days. This will combat the temptation to see time as mundane and also give me a chance to interact with people who use multi-syllable words. But at that capacity, gone will be my opportunity to do the type of work that I’m going to be leaving behind in a few short weeks.

So I think this is a bit fair for me to be saddened by my ousting, even if it is for good reason. When you like something, it’s disappointing to leave it, even when you’re looking forward to what you get in exchange. It’s not that one life is better or worse than the other, it’s just different. A different pace, a different skill set, a different return-on-investment.

Perhaps with an appropriate chance at “mourning”, if you will, I’ll be able then to fully anticipate and look forward to all that summer has in store for us as an entire family.