Month: January 2010 (Page 2 of 5)

Two nights in a row now i’ve had to call KLM to brag on my kid. i’ve seen some huge spurts in his development recently – he’s walking across the room, mimicking all kinds of sounds, following direction and generally just communicating with us really well. and he’s so stinkin’ tickled with himself for doing it, which is just out-and-out cute (you know the look… hands tucked under, chin shrugged out, eyes that say, “awww shucks… yeah, it was cute”)

i think every parent brags on their kids (or at least they should – and each should have a friend like KLM who is authentically excited with you), so i’m not outside of normal there. however, in the world of “competitive parenting” it does make things tricky. even if you’re not making comparisons, engaging in that conversation can portray you to be. and it’s extremely difficult not to compare it to your own experiences. i appreciate KLM’s excitment, not just because she knows a lot about development because it’s her job, but because she’s not measuring it to anything but a broad base of experiences – her excitement is not entangled with her perception of her own parenting.

it’s been quite a struggle to watch henry grow over the past year. i get lots and lots of assurances that he will be quite “normal”, that “he’s fine” and that i “worry too much.” those statements might be true (especially the last one), and they are often true about a lot of parents. if it weren’t true about lots of parents, the parenting magazines wouldn’t have anything to put in the articles.

but can i justify myself just a little bit? i think it’s quite a different experience raising a kid who, 10 days after he was born, you were told that he wasn’t “typical.” henry’s hearing loss is nothing like those stories on oprah of “i never thought he’d walk again”, but i’ve never known what it’s like to raise a child without people coming to my house every other week, telling me how to make sure that we’re “on track” and “hitting milestones”. if H develops a new skill, it gets documented and added to records with at least 4 letters acronyming something.

i watched the new fame the other night (quite good if you realize it’s made for a 13-year-old girl); partway through i started thinking about these kids going to an alternative school where the focus was the arts. many of the kids there were quite eccentric. now, being a person with little artistic or musical skill, i get quite jealous. but i started to question myself – how would i deal with having a kid who was, just… different?

and maybe i secretly wanted that for H because then he would be different on the upside rather than the downside. he’d be set apart because of all the talent he has and not the lacking of something else… in this case, several decibles of hearing capacity.

henry really is ok. in the world of issues that kids can have, we’re on the nearly-insignificant side. i do try to keep the big picture in mind. there’s lots of very-normal-ness that comes with this little boy. i will NOT be that mother who demands he get to play his choice of t-ball position because he “has a condition.”

but on the other hand, i know few other parents who are making a priority of practicing their “Ling 6” sounds while playing with toy rings. when their kid hits a big milestone or puts together their first sentance, they’re excited to watch them explore the world in a new way – and not just sighing relief that it did indeed happen in the “normal” range.

KLM told me once that “there’s nothing wrong with henry, there’s just something wrong with his ears” and it’s very true. there’s nothing “wrong” with him. and what if he puts his first sentance together 2 months after the time he’s expected to? this is where i just need to get over (or through) it. i would just celebrate, 2 months later than expected, that my son is experiencing the world in a new way. the point of life isn’t where you fall on the graph, is it? according to miley it’s about “the climb” (can i get some financial endorsements by quoting her twice in one week?). when henry brings home the girl he wants to marry, i’m sure we won’t pull out the IFSP and brag on his age-appropriate development. at least, that’s not the type of mother i want to become.

so, it’s something to work on. we’ll keep doing our ling 6. i’ll keep enjoying it the more and more he mimics and participates. and i’ll keep trying to stop worrying “if this is normal” and i’ll just keep loving on a little boy that brings so much joy just by being who he is. especially when he gets that kackle-like laugh.

but i need to perseverate on farming.
(*dear google, “perseverate” is not in your spell checker. please adjust).

about a week ago i couldn’t sleep for, oh, 4 hours, so i had to just lie there with my thoughts. sometimes this is good company, sometimes bad. this particular evening it resulted in a somewhat random IM conversation with a coworker. it went a little something like this:

Me: i have a non-work related question when you have a chance.
DW: fire away.
Me: what if all the farmers stopped growing soybeans and the feed corn that we don’t eat and instead raised broccoli and green beans?
DW: there would be a total global collapse – why do you ask? (*exact quote)
Me: couldn’t sleep last night. figured you’d prefer i waited until today to ask.
DW: strange things keep you up at night
Me: well, i was thinking about how to explain to the babysitter my weird preferences for feeding henry non-processed foods
DW: I see – so no red meat for Henry. ever.
Me: no, he eats meat. but we bought a local, free range cow.
DW: so you think that cows should eat brocoli?
Me: not necessarily
DW: but without supplemental feeding demand would outwiegh supply
Me: well, we could eat LESS meat
DW: well, maybe YOU could eat less meat. i can’t.

the conversation went on and was quite good about the possible effects of changing farming practices. it should be noted here that the entire conversation was held while i ate dark chocolate m&ms. but here was my main point that caused me to not return to sleep that night: it seems as if our agricultural decisions may, perhaps, be driven only by the dollar and not actual gastronomical needs.

I find it incredibly interesting that a company, such as pepsi (pepsi is always the bad guy because i love diet coke too much) can buy ingredients, such as high fructose corn syrup, which required significant proccessing – aka, labor, technology, packaging, shipping – then put the ingredients together, package, distribute AND STILL purchase million dollar superbowl ad spots while only charging $1 for its product (and note, you can buy that product in jumbo 2-liter size or in handy 20-oz gas station size, all for same said low price. what a sham!). $1! but say you’d like a bag of grapes. no packaging other than a plastic baggie, and the last time i saw a grape commercial was… *cricket, cricket.* DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH A BAG OF GRAPES CAN BE? i have a fb “friend” who quoted a price that was well-over several 2-liters.

Now, i grew up “down on the farm.” My college education was purchased in beans and i’m appreciative. but that doesn’t mean i can’t question the system. a large majority of midwestern farmers grow corn, used primarily for feeding livestock, or soybeans- and until my sister had a brief stint of vegetarianism, i had no idea what THOSE were used for. but they’re everywhere. so why do we grow them? a brief (but work-time, so limited) google search points some fingers at government subsidies, and my buddy Michael Pollen might agree (from the tone of his writing). but what if… WHAT IF we grew broccoli and green beans instead? foods that people actually eat to nourish their bodies.

it was at least 4 hours i didn’t sleep, so i can keep going. i even thought through the logistics. i’m not sure a combine (the noun, not the verb, for you cityfolk) would be useful in harvesting broccoli, but it could still work with green beans. then there are the veggies that require digging – such as potatoes. but isn’t this an opportunity for technology to be birthed? to come up with a way to harvest healthy foods that don’t come at the expense of 12-year-old minimum wage hands? (though i would argue that our society’s kids could use a little more manual labor through adolescence).

i’m thinking of my own hometown now. what if all the farmers took some time off of corn and beans and instead raised fruits and veggies. now, DW is correct – the cows would go hungry. but those are typically industry farm cattle where the cows aren’t that happy living in a 2×2 square, so let’s just stop mass producing our meat (and trying to make it bigger and more cost efficent by altering the hormones God gave it). i think we could do a little less in our diet. even the FDA says that an actual serving of beef is the size of a deck of cards, not a steak the size of a serving platter. i’ve read “somewhere” (bad blogger! not giving references! i’m guessing Runners World) that going veg 2 of 3 meals or 4 of 7 days a week is very restful and healthy. and since we’d be farming broccoli, there would be plenty of that to fill the plate.

So, that’s just one sleepless night in the world of me. i hope tonight the sandman makes another visit. this is just too much.

right now i’m really enjoying my job. i haven’t said that in a while, but it’s true. i’ve even been placed on an account that has been quite messy, but thanks to a great team and account manager(s), i have only hated about 2 days of it. not bad out of 2+ months! it helps that i’ve been getting some positive feedback from the client i’ve been working with… you can try to act like it doesn’t matter, but when you do something well and others acknowledge it, it really does mean something. it feeds the fire, even if it’s just flickering at the moment.

some things are changing at the company and i think we’ll see some huge improvements on the initiatives to create a better work/life balance. nothing is ever perfect and clearly there will be times to work more, but i do see change coming. so there have been several danglings of full-time carrots in front of me, which has led to a lot of soul searching.

the past few years have caused me to need to work more. but now we’re on the brink of jj’s graduation and a full time job, so it becomes a question less of needing and more of wanting. for a little while i haven’t really thought about what i wanted career-wise, other than stable health insurance. i’ll likely take my time getting back into work after #2 arrives simply because we can spend lots of quality time together as a family this summer before jj starts the teaching life. but come fall, then what?

prior to about 2 months ago, i figured i would resume working about 2 days a week – enough to supplement the income a little (perhaps enough for a Y membership?!) and get me out of the house. i know i’m not built for 24/7 mommy-at-home life. and now that i’m enjoying work, i’m prone to wonder if i could really enjoy working like i do on a regular basis.

however, working as a full time staffing associate has never been my aspiration. i’ve started to ask myself the bigger questions, like “where do i want to be in 5 years?”. could i be happy doing what i’m doing now in 5 years? perhaps. is it what i feel called to? not necessarily.

i do have several things on my list that i’d love to get cooking. this year i will dive into the 30-and-over pool and i don’t know if i want to spend that much time swimming in my current role. maybe it’s time to take a few steps that would get a what-if rolling into a ball of could-be.

i feel almost caught in a limbo of safe vs wow. i could do what i’m doing and be safe. it’d be a nice income, it would be enjoyable, i could be good at it. then there’s the other stuff… the dreams. they could be disasterous. i could find out i’m no good and that i don’t know what i’m doing. it could pan out into nothingness, both in terms of “success” and income. and i wouldn’t be one bit suprised. and honestly, there’s nothing wrong with safe. if you know me, that’s where i usually live. i’m happy with safe, comfortable. i know it well.

or it could be something wow. it could light a spark in me much brighter than what’s been burning the past 3 years. it could fulfill me and put life and energy into parts of myself that i didn’t know existed.

or it could even end up about as inspiring and exciting as working a 40-hour/week job that i’m good at. i could look back at it and say, “all that work, and i could’ve been just as happy doing what i started with.” but i’m sure miley would chime right in with some crecendo about it always looking for another mountain.

i think there probably needs to be some reflection, along with discussion with my counterpart. we’ll need to think of big pictures, family goals, and the greater good. it’s just a lot to consider right now. i still have 3 loooong months of being pregnant left, so there’s plenty of time to weigh the options. but it’s something that can begin to feel kind of heavy if you let it weigh you down.