Day: November 7, 2009

yup. took a tumble. and i was standing right there. i turned as he bopped the first step and got there almost in time before his head hit the floor.

it’s nothing i’d care to repeat viewing. i felt awful. he was mad, sad, hurt and just wanted to lay his head on my chest and cry. so we did for a little bit. then we went outside (no tomatoes to look at so we just went for a walk).

i had some time to process this. i had called KM to ask if i was a bad mom because i kinda felt like it. good moms stay closer right? good moms don’t let their kids fall down the stairs? maybe good moms always keep one hand on the kid’s back so they can react quicker and catch their kids.

i’m not a believer in the common thought that parents have a corner on God’s perspective. there are plenty of people who don’t have kids (or are not married, for that fact – another common one) that understand way more about God than i. but as i was asking myself if i were a bad mom i found myself circling that very common philosophical question “if God is good then why do bad things happen?”

as i thought “if i were a good mom, henry wouldn’t have fallen” i could see why people say “if he were a good God, i wouldn’t have experienced XYZ.” but by the end of the walk i could tell you that it’s just not true. and i’m not just trying to defend my parenting abilities.

after all i. was. right. there. i didn’t leave to go get the groceries. i wasn’t more concerned with my own agenda. he couldn’t say “why have you left me?!” because i didn’t. i was on the floor the moment he was. so the fact that something bad happened does not negate my mere existence.

and, most of all, i didn’t “let” it happen to him to “teach him a lesson.” i did teach henry how to go down the stairs and it involved me showing him to crawl backward -knee knee foot foot.

the poor guy fell down the stairs because it’s a part of the human experience. we can do things to try to prevent it, we can adjust, but we cannot completely avoid the falls. the only way i could do that is to eliminate the entire experience of stairs. and what a flat, boring existence that would be. (did i mention that H loves his stairs? i think he’s training for the olympics)

sometimes we just have to be thankful that, while falling down the stairs does happen, we do have someone to hold us, kiss the boo boo and take us on a walk on a b-e-a-utiful day to help the healing process begin.

you end up with all kinds of jumbled thoughts and ideas and memories and there’s really no logical way to organize them into elegant prose. so it might be time for one of laura’s favorite numbered posts. hey, it’s saturday.

1. does everyone wake up at 6am on a saturday? no. just me. this is after i nearly lost an eye at 5:30 getting back into bed… jj’s elbow had clearly encroached upon my pillow and now i’m going to have to tell people that “he only does it because he loves me.” j/k, there’s no mark.

2. my kid is seriously the cutest thing ever. EVER. he’s at a really fun play stage where he just loooooves to play. this morning he forgot it was breakfast and instead started putting his eggs in his bowl, then taking them out. who knew that food doubled as toys? guess everyone can take back the birthday present and visit the produce aisle instead. but i have to say watching him explore his toy-things and figure out how to put things where he wants them – it’s precious.

3. after some significant disappointment, we’re in town this weekend. we thought that we’d have wedding festivities to attend but alas we are parents and when the babysitter cancels we have to act like parents and stay home with child. it’s too bad, i’m sure it’ll be a humdinger of a wedding.

4. the hubby is taking his comps today, the big you-can-graduate test. next week is 2 of his 3 praxis (praxeese plural?). if we survive to next sunday there’s a good chance we’ll see jesus come back. he has worked soooooo hard and i am soooo proud. i can’t wait to see him in a cap and gown.

5. i would compare working full time to eating a rich peanut butter chocolate cake (thanks KW for sharing!). It’s good, but too much of it will make you throw up. I’ve really enjoyed the project i’m on at work. i like the type of work i’m doing – the fast pace, the independant nature (even though poor Kathy still has to hold my hand through some decisions). the hours? eh. i like the pay that comes with it. and the time really flies. i have to be careful not to go to the bathroom or i completely miss the 9:00 hour. i think i enjoy it more because i know it’s a short-term situation that will someday end, and then i’ll move on to something else. i can enjoy it for what it is. it’s a great sub-plot in a story that can offer some interesting talk points, but at the end of the day i can remember it’s a subplot.

6. i bought my first christmas present yesterday. for some reason, i’m really in the spirit- a bit soon (for me) but it’s enjoyable. i’ve got a decent list of things that i know i want to get others. on the one hand i really hate the consumeristic slant that christmas always takes. we always spend to much and get too much – more than we need, really. i hate feeling like i’m giving something becuase that’s what i’m expected to do. on the other hand, i LOVE finding *the* perfect gift. to know someone will really enjoy something and to watch them experience the delight of feeling like someone cared enough to remember… to me, that does capture the christmas spirit. it’s about giving of yourself (isn’t that what the incarnation is all about?).

7. everything holy is supposed to happen in sevens, so if i want a chance at getting into heaven i better come up with one more thing. ah, yes. book club. i love it. we generally gather and eat very well (followed by explanations of recipes). but i was a bit overwhelmed and under-rested with life, so i ordered pizza. and you know what? the girls didn’t even care. they loved the ranch dipping sauce from padrone’s so much (i think i caught KLM guzzling it) that they didn’t even notice that it didn’t come from my oven. such wonderful ladies.