today started rough. it’s been 6 months since H’s diagnosis and we still don’t have hearing aids – they’re not even ordered. there have been lots of requests, but red tape has won every round. today in the midst of 17 phone calls to anyone i could get to listen i just wanted to shout, “i DON’T know what the H i’m doing, can someone please just throw me a friggin’ bone?!” but alas, mike in the next cube over also does not know how to go about getting hearing aids for infants.

the largest frustration was that i felt as if i was being treated as a stupid, lazy mother for not having all my paperwork. (which, in my defense, is incorrect – i do have the paperwork, it was an audiologist that didn’t sign something and therefore led to another rejection). i’m going to guess that 9 of 10 new mothers can’t tell you what BCMH stands for let alone how to forward on a letter of approval to get a pre-approval for the hearing aid you need.

why, oh why, do we not have just an ounce of grace for one another? i do it too… i consistently make fun of resumes i find. spelling, dumb email addresses, funny phrases – there’s nothing really that’s not game for a copy / paste to a co-worker’s IM. but why? there’s a large number of people out there who haven’t put together a resume since… well, for some – ever. can’t i overlook the offenses of the few who haven’t been as fortunate as i to currently have a job?

i had a long, ongoing conversation with a friend today via IM. she is “good people”. funny, witty, smart and very talented. capable of having intelligent conversation about serious topics that run the gammet or sending hilarious emails about monkeys and cupcakes.

i’m a pretty avid reader of the soulemama blog (see my followings). there’s something that i find there that is rich, pure and good. i can’t always put a word to use in describing it. it’s just… good. it makes me want to live…. better. it makes me want to shed my pettyness of making fun of resumes and enjoy all the things the world has to offer.

one of my favorite verses in the message translation says, “Dear, dear Corinthians, I can’t tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn’t fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren’t small, but you’re living them in a small way. I’m speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!” (2 corinthians 6:11-13; yes for those of you who have been in my living room, this is the painting).

i think living petty, making others feel lowly, is one way of living a small, fenced in life. No one fences us in, we do it to ourselves by trapping ourselves in meanness, in selfishness. my coworker and SoulMama live large. their eyes see the whole picture, their world is bigger than their immediate surroundings. my day looks puny in comparison, but there’s no one to blame but me.

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