Let me first say that H is a wonderful sleeper. in the world of new moms, i feel i’m toward the top of the well-rested pile, and for that i’m eternally grateful (i think God knows exactly what i can – and can’t – handle, and very little sleep isn’t high on my tolerance list). he naps through the day and goes to bed at night – he always has.

my problem is that there are lots of books out there on how to do it “right”. for every method there’s a countermethod. for every expert there’s a doctor. can a baby manipulate you? when? would they?

tonight we started to bed around 7 (our new bed time – that’s when the eyes get droopy and he starts doing his night night talk). got swaddled, into the crib. crying. lots of it. tried holding the pacifier in. tried swaddling one arm out (a goal of ours). thought maybe it was a dirty diaper. put him on the change table. instantly quiet. huh. diaper is dry. put him back in the crib. screams.

then it becomes a battle of the wills. i will not let someone who cannot use all 4 limbs manipulate me. but the crying! he was obviously, genuinely unhappy. back to the room.

so, he sounds a bit stuffy from the crying. saline up the nose, quick suction of the blue bulb (his favorite *sense the sarcasm*). shriek-like screaming. a little rocky. quiet.

in the crib again. silence.

WHAT THE HECK?! so i just spent some time on the blogs doing some self diagnosing, and if there’s one thing that will piss a mom off it’s to proclaim that her working method is bad for the baby. everyone had a different way of doing it. all of them said it works.

moral of the story? probably none. i’m sorry i’ve just wasted your last 5 minutes. but i think that i just have to learn that H is telling me something when he cries, so i should see what it is. my question is: when does a baby have both needs and wants? initially they just have needs. i have lots of wants. somewhere in the past 28.5 years i learned that i could get what i wanted by pretending it’s what i needed. does that happen at 6 months or 2 years? or 18? no, it’s before 18. i worked with youth and it was definately before jr. high :).

i also learned that there’s no “winner”. it’s not me against baby. we’re both learning how to live together, how to get the most out of our time in bed. i think the battle of the wills comes much later.

i know things like authority and control are issues parents face. i think they’re important for children. but when? i don’t think its now. i don’t think H actually believes he’s in control of anything. i told Ang once that i’m scared i’ll miss something because i don’t know i’m supposed to do it. like toys – i was afraid i wouldn’t give toys to the little guy because i would always just think he wasn’t old enough for it yet. she said, “no, you’ll just know.”

for now, i’m just going to bank on the “you’ll just know” philosophy for having some idea when my kid is trying to rule the roost. until then, i’m going to bed.

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