“Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.” (Ephesians 5:1-2, Mes)

I think i’ve returned to this passage 78 times this summer. Maybe that’s an exaggeration. 72 times. And every time I come to it, it just rocks my world. Love extravagently. Love so that you give, not get. Ouch.
I know Paul wasn’t pointing fingers… but he seems to be. I want to be a person of love- i see them all around me and that’s what i want to be. I think i could be good at it if i was able to choose my targets. I could love soraya in a way that gives instead of gets. but then again, she offers me so much joy by loving her that maybe it’s a selfish love, too. it reminds me of that episode in friends where phoebe says there’s no such thing as an unselfish deed… that we only do good things because we like feeling good about it. sometimes i wonder if i love when it’s hard not because i’m a loving person but because i know i “should” or it’s the thing to do.
but i don’t want to be a person who simply follows through on orders. i want to be a person of love and compassion… someone who loves extravagantly, not just enough to make the other person feel loved. not just enough to be a good wife, sister, daughter & friend, but with so much love that it can only come from God himself.
so i ask (rhetorically, of course), why do i have so much problem loving in such a way? why do i stop just before jumping off the selfless cliff? what fears me? because we know, thanks to john the first, that there is no fear in love because perfect love casts out all fear. so what am i scared of?
a good shrink would probably tell me i’ve been wounded in the past. whatev. i can’t recall any deep woundings. if anything, i think i had a wonderful example of selfless love in my father. but i can’t seem to want to make the plunge into a life centered on God and flowing with love simply because God finds joy in the things that i love (ie: people). they’re God’s creation and i should love and cherish them for basically no other reason…
once again, a process.
i’m trying, i really am.

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